Ralsei has a GINORMOUS dick theory.

okay but real talk… what if ralsei got a massive dick

nah nah listen bro LISTEN. i been thinking about this for like 3 days straight i haven’t slept. everyone’s like “awww ralsei so soft 🥺💖 lil cinnamon bun uwu goat” but like… what if that mf hiding a whole divine doom dong under that robe. like not even kidding. canonically possible. lemme explain.

1. he a prince. royal blood. royal meat. you don’t get summoned into existence with that much wholesome energy unless you compensating for a holy slab of enchanted pipe.

2. the robe. bro. that thing big as hell. too flowy. too suspicious. that’s not just fashion. that’s containment. bro ain’t dressing modest, he just tryin not to whip it out by accident and knock susie into the nearest wall.

3. he walks weird. go watch again. lil shuffle, lil sway, like he constantly adjusting something heavy n sacred down there. bro movin like his third leg got arthritis.

4. hat always on. ever notice that? it’s a distraction. he wants you lookin up so you don’t see the enchanted Excalibur dragging across the dark world floor.

5. healing prayer. why is it called that?? why not “cure” or “mend” like a normal RPG. nah bro he legit praying his blessed girthy wand don’t rupture the space-time continuum every time he casts. that’s dong-powered magic.

6. no zipper. no buttons. no belt. wonder why? because nothing can contain it. man got the kind of power that makes fabric say “nah i’m good.”

7. he anagram of Asriel. asriel = god of hyperdeath. ralsei = god of hypergirth. it’s called narrative symmetry, look it up.

bro is not just the party healer. he’s a walking nuclear cockhead hazard wrapped in green fleece and good intentions.

and y’all sittin here callin him baby boy??? NAH. that goat packin a weapon of mass reproduction and he too polite