I thought I had a scat fetish but I was wrong. I fucked up really bad and might never mentally recover.

So like many young modern men I enjoy pornography and partake semi regularly. There's of course a lot of porn out there and I'll confess the normal shit (pun intended) started to get kind of boring to me so I started branching out into some more extreme (but legal) genres of porn. Eventually I stumbled on scat and to be very honest it was super hot and I ended up enjoying it a lot. Something about watching a beautiful woman with a fat ass pinch off a large fecal loaf really turned me on. I'm not exaggerating when I say I spent almost 2 years of my life watching primarily scat focused porn.

Well as I got more and more into it the more I wanted to experience it myself. I tried finding women who were into it but they seemed few and far between. Eventually I found an escort who specialized in extreme fetishes and she was super hot too. But very expensive. I knew I wanted this though but I'm not super rich so I took out a cash advance on my credit card and put it with my savings. I contacted her, scheduled an appointment (last month on the 15th) and paid for a hotel room and her flight to my city. I even took time off of work on the Friday beforehand to prepare.

I was so excited my heart was racing waiting for her to show up at 6 at my room. She came, we made conversation all while I grew more excited and aroused. Finally the time came. She grabbed her suitcase and opened it and pulled out a large plastic sheet and laid it over the bed. She told me to lay down, undress and get comfortable and she'd change and return.

I did so and was so excited. After what felt like forever she came back wearing a leather corset, thigh high boots and no bottoms. She asked if I was ready. I was so excited and aroused I couldn't speak. I just nodded. She got on top of me in a 69 and told me to eat her asshole. I ate it like my life depended on it while she stroked and blew me. It was amazing. Then she asked if I was ready for the main course. I moaned "YES!" She put her entire ass over my face and carefully lined up her asshole with my mouth. I started to see it open up. I was so aroused as she still stroked me gently. Then I saw it open up and slowly a log started to make it's way out. I opened my mouth and as soon as the shit entered my mouth I knew I made a terrible mistake.

It tasted so bad. The smell was terrible too. It made me gag. She then moved her ass over my chest and started shitting all over me. Then she sat her ass down and started smashing and spreading it on me while still jerking me off. I was fighting the urge not to puke. Tears of shame, sadness and disgust filled my eyes as I fought the urge not to cry like a baby. She just kept shitting and jerking/blowing me. Eventually I came all over her hands and she smeared my cum and some of the shit together and made me lick it off of her fingers. I felt like I needed to impress her and that I'd spent too much money on this to back out.

Then we went and showered and she threw the plastic sheet in a garbage bag, took the envelope of money we made some brief conversation and she left. Immediately I broke down crying, brushed my teeth for what felt like forever and got drunk trying to forget.

I found out the hard way last month that I don't have a scat fetish and honestly I feel mentally broken over that night and I don't know if mentally I can overcome this. I've been really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since that night. I made an appointment to see a local therapist but I hope it'll help.

Edit: Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone it's been overwhelming and incredible having so many pms and comments with encouragement hit me. You guys are such a nice community especially to someone as dumb and perverted as me. Thank you all so much.