Ekim 25, 2025
Eşimin işi nedeniyle yurt dışına taşındım ve kendimi kaybetmiş gibi hissediyorum
Ben (29K, önümüzdeki hafta 30 yaşına gireceğim) yakın zamanda kocamla birlikte Güney Amerika’dan Hollanda’ya taşındık. Burada yazılım mühendisi olarak iyi bir iş buldu, biz de hayatımızı toparladık ve yaklaşık bir ay önce taşındık. Avrupa’ya ilk gelişimiz ve dışarıdan muhtemelen bir rüya gibi görünüyor.
Ama dürüst olmak gerekirse? Çok zorlanıyorum.
Eve döndüğümde 8 yıl çalıştığım bir bankada istikrarlı bir işim vardı. İyi para veriyordu, rahattım ve ofisime yakın güzel bir ev kiraladık. Rutinlerimiz, arkadaşlarımız, evcil hayvanlarımız vardı ve hayat kolaydı.
Artık beni “ben” yapan her şeyi kaybetmiş gibiyim. Taşınmayı finanse etmek için arabamı satmak zorunda kaldım. Burada bir işim yok ve maddi olarak kocama bağımlıyım. Günlerimi tüm ev işlerini yaparak geçiriyorum çünkü eskisi gibi yardıma gücümüz yetmiyor. Kendimi işe yaramaz ve küçük hissediyorum.
Şaşırtıcı derecede zor olan bir diğer şey de kocamla 7/24 birlikte olmak. Eve döndüğümüzde ikimiz de tam zamanlı çalışıyorduk, bu yüzden gerçekten sadece hafta sonları birlikte vakit geçiriyorduk. Artık her zaman birlikteyiz ve bu büyük bir ayarlama oldu. Biz çok farklı insanlarız ve o benden çok şey bekliyor; her yemeği pişirmek ve evi tamamen idare etmek gibi yapmaya alışık olmadığım şeyler. Yeni işi nedeniyle onun da çok fazla baskı altında olduğunu biliyorum ama yaptığım hiçbir şeyin yeterli olmadığını hissetmekten kendimi alamıyorum.
Bunun benim yeni gerçekliğim olduğu her gün beni daha da derinden etkiliyor. Geri dönemem çünkü sahip olduğum hayata geri dönemezdim; o artık gitti. Ama ilerlemek çok zor geliyor. Bazı günler sadece yatağa uzanıp ağlamak istiyorum.
Sadece eski hayatımı çok özlüyorum. Evcil hayvanlarımı, işimi, her gün gördüğüm insanları, istikrar duygusunu özlüyorum. Bu taşınmanın yeni bir macera olması gerektiğini biliyorum ama şu anda bu süreçte kendimi kaybetmişim gibi geliyor.
Yurt dışına taşındıktan sonra böyle hisseden var mı? Benlik duygunuzla nasıl başa çıktınız veya yeniden inşa ettiniz?
Lütfen nazik olun – gerçekten sadece destek ve anlayış arıyorum.
Etiketler:
Did you two talk about the expectations your husband has of you beforehand? Or did he make these decisions for you himself?
If he did, I can see why you feel trapped right now. Because it’s probably just not what you wanted?
I think you should sit down and have a talk with him, explain to him how you feel and then try sorting it out together.
I do think apart from everything you also just need time to adjust to this new life. You’re in a completely new setting and it’s normal to need time to get used to it. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get everything perfect at the moment. Be kind to yourself and just do the best you can.
I’m wishing you the best, I hope that with time you’ll love your “new life” just as much as your old one
I don’t know what these other commenters are smoking, but this isn’t just “adjusting to a new change.”
You’ve been thrust into a loss of autonomy. While your husband still has his. That’s why you feel “useless and small.” Because you’re dependent upon him the way a child is dependent upon a parent.
And the fact that he’s expecting you to cook and clean all day for him while he’s the one who gets to go out and exercise his self-agency is a serious problem since YOU aren’t happy with that arrangement. I assume he never told you about his expectations BEFORE the move?
He expects you to cook every meal? Is he a 12 year old?
That sounds tough. You poor thing. I feel like you need a hug.
Building a new life is never easy but it can be worth it. It’s work though! It’s something you need to put time and work in to.
First thing, can you get a job too? That would help you a lot, at least you’ll have your new colleagues and different people to talk to day to day other than your partner.
Second, you need a ‘you’ thing. My wife moved over to my country and she found the same type of yoga studio as she had in her home country, she went there most days, even did teacher training. Though she had a job, it helped her a lot with the transition.
Doesn’t have to be that, but something you enjoy eg running club, swimming etc Explain to your husband you need something for just you.
Sounds like you might have discovered that you and your husband just aren’t compatible and now you’re stuck with other issues that are just as important. You didn’t really know your husband so you had time a part and there was a novelty. I live with my partner and we are together 24/7 but we are also very compatible even if things are sometimes boring – that love is deeply there and partnership. You need to go back home and face this head on. You need to leave your husband for a few months and then weigh what you want while your in a place like being back home that makes you happy. This will give you time to think through things and make sure you want to first and foremost be with your husband regardless of where you live and then (B) does going back to Europe make this compromise worth it for you? You won’t know the best answer until you actually leave.
It’s really hard starting over at first. You have to put in effort but it usually will get better! Tried to get out of the house, explore new areas. See if you can meet people through clubs or volunteering. Sign up for a language class. I know it sucks right now but it really can get so much better. And if you put in the effort and try to build a new life for a couple years and you still aren’t happy, you can always make a change. I have found that even if you move within your own country, it’s difficult. At first. You don’t have your support group or your routines. It’s especially hard when you don’t have a job. Don’t give up before you’ve tried!
Get involved with the expat community there. There is one.
Something I need you to know is that no matter what amount of pressure he’s under, no matter how much he works, and no matter how much money he makes, you do NOT need to overcompensate for any reason whatsoever. He is responsible for his moods and his fair share in the marriage and household.
I am living this right now, not having moved, but I fell into this where I was doing everything. It wasn’t expected of me, but I have been made to feel guilty for how hard it was for him to deal with his job or the fact I made less. Turns out he is an avoidant type of person and the emotional labor was waaaay off in our marriage for years. I always made excuses based on HIS excuses because why would we want to think our husband could be so selfish?
You gotta toughen up and embrace the change. It’s common to feel uncomfortable doing something new. Give it time