Should people who masturbate be allowed to vote?

What a country! As God-appointed Americans, we live in a Christian land, founded on Christian morals by non-masturbating Christian heroes. One of the great tenets of this fantastic nation in which we reside is the concept of a free democracy. A government of the people, by the people, for the people. One of our inalienable rights as a citizens is to partake in an electoral system, where we have the ability to vote on a choice between options, often in an election or on a policy referendum.

Unfortunately, for now at least, this right also extends to masturbators.

Considering how immoral, lazy, incompetent and selfish masturbators are and considering how important the voting process is, it begs the question: Should people who rape themselves be allowed to vote?

When masturbators aren’t working (the few that actually have jobs), they are spending their free time violating themselves, content to pay attention only to the newest masturbation technology or pornographics video, completely ignoring current events or world news. How can someone as ignorant as that be allowed to make decisions that affect the rest of us? How could they possibly know that voting Republican is the right choice?

I know what some of you are thinking: “Lonnie, masturbators are far too lazy to leave their masturbatoriums to actually get out and vote. They can’t hurt us.” Unfortunately, this is not true. The sad fact is that masturbators get a thrill out of engaging in their filthy little habit behind the curtains of those voting booths. After they’ve finished, they’ll simply place votes at random. How else would you explain the success of Barack Hussein Obama?

We here at STOP Masturbation NOW are lobbying for changes to the current voting laws. We propose that all voters must pass two blacklight inspections at their voting stations, both before and after they cast a ballot. If masturbation residue or a vote for a Democrat is discovered, their vote will be null and void and they will be thrown out into the street like the trash that they are.

For democracy to succeed, we must ensure that the right kind of people are shaping our future. Normal people, self-celibate people.

God bless some of you,
Lonnie