HOW TO TOUCH GRASS: A FULL LENGTH, HIGHLY DETAILED TUTORIAL FOR GAMING GOBLINS

🧠 Step 0: Mental Preparation (a.k.a. Stop Crying, You Won’t Die)

Before you even think about stepping outside, understand this:
The outdoors won’t kill you.
That bright orb in the sky? That’s the sun. It’s not a boss fight. It’s a vitamin D cannon that might just unfuck your brain chemistry a little.

🧠 Checklist:
• Pause your game.
• Shut the fuck up about “but I’m on a ranked streak.”
• Acknowledge that you smell like gamer chair and stale Dorito dust.

Optional:
• Panic attack? Acceptable.
• Existential dread about life beyond your monitor? Expected.

⸻

🚿 Step 1: Personal Hygiene (You’re Not Going to a LAN Party in 2007)

Let’s not be “that guy” who smells like expired Monster and shame.

What to do:
• 🧼 Wash your ass. Fully. Not just a splash.
• 🪒 Shave or at least acknowledge your neckbeard.
• 💧 Brush your teeth. Plaque isn’t a fashion statement.
• 👕 Put on clean clothes. Not the same sweatpants from your third Elden Ring run.

You’re touching nature, not spreading a biohazard.

⸻

🧭 Step 2: Locating the Grass (No, Weed Doesn’t Count This Time)

You can’t touch grass if you don’t know where it is. And no, the 2D grass texture in Valheim does NOT count, you pixel-fetishist.

Options:
• Backyard? Easy mode.
• Park? Standard difficulty.
• Forest trail? Hard mode (risk of wolves and cardio).
• College campus lawn at 3am? Stealth build required.

🧠 Use Google Maps like a grown-ass human.

⸻

🚪 Step 3: Initiate the Outdoor Protocol (Walk of Shame Edition)

You’re leaving your lair. Breathe. Stay calm. You can do this.

Sequence:
1. Open the door. That rectangle? It leads to Earth.
2. Step through it. Feel that breeze? That’s not AC, that’s air.
3. Let your eyes adjust to daylight. Don’t hiss, you’re not a vampire.

👣 Pro tip: Left foot, right foot. Repeat. It’s called walking.

⸻

🌿 Step 4: Engaging the Grass (Contact Phase)

🎯 Objective: Make physical contact with the natural world. No gloves. No bullshit. Flesh to flora.

Techniques:
• 🖐️ Hand Touch: Kneel down. Reach out. Gently stroke those blades like they’re your first waifu.
• 🦶 Barefoot Method: Take off your shoes. Feel the moist, cool earth like a grounded monk in a Skyrim mod.
• 🪑 Sit Down Strat: Plop your gamer ass down. Let your body soak in the Earth’s frequencies. It’s not a mana regen zone, but it’s close.

WARNING: Bugs may appear. They don’t give a fuck about your KD ratio. Stay calm.

⸻

🤔 Step 5: Reflection & Respawn

You did it, grass virgin. You touched it. You connected with the real world. You might even feel… less toxic?

Possible Status Effects:
• +10 Mood
• +5 Vitamin D
• -3 Depression
• +1 Awareness that you haven’t spoken to a human in 6 days

Take a deep breath. Soak it in. You might even do it again sometime.

⸻

🧘‍♂️ Optional DLC: Advanced Grass Touching

Once you’re confident in base-level grass mechanics, you can unlock extra features:
• 🌄 Go hiking (like walking but with terrain)
• 🚴 Ride a bike (if your legs aren’t purely cosmetic)
• 🐶 Pet a dog (actual therapy NPC)
• 🧺 Picnic (real-world loot drop with sandwiches and vibes)

⸻

❌ Common Mistakes to Avoid:

Mistake Why You’re Dumb
Bringing your Switch You’re not “outside” if you’re still playing Zelda.
Going out at night That’s not touching grass, that’s urban lurking.
Talking about Discord drama IRL Shut the hell up.
Posting “I touched grass” on IG mid-touch You’ve already failed.

⸻

🎉 Congratulations, You Functioning Hominid!

You’ve achieved what most Reddit mods never will: you touched grass, motherfucker. Now go celebrate by drinking some water (not GFuel, you caffeinated goblin) and maybe, just maybe, consider that reality ain’t so bad.

Now get your ass back inside and queue a game—but this time, you’re grounded in the real world, bitch.

🌱 Achievement Unlocked: [Grass-Touched +1]