Ocak 8, 2026
Hiç girmediği bir dünyaya ait olduğunu hisseden başka kimse var mı?
30’lu yaşlarımın ortasındayım ve kağıt üzerinde hayatım istikrarlı ve işlevsel. Eğitime devam ettim, insanlara yardım eden bir kariyer kurdum ve hayatta kalmamı ve ayaklarımın yere basmasını sağlayan pratik seçimler yaptım. Hayatımdan mutsuz değilim ama hatırlayabildiğim kadarıyla içimde sürekli bir his var; sanki duygusal ya da estetik olarak hiç adım atmadığım bir dünyaya aitmişim gibi.
Büyürken oyunculuk, performans, güzellik, gösteriş ve olağanüstü kültürel dünyalar gibi yaratıcı ve etkileyici alanlara derinden ilgi duyuyordum. Onlara sadece gelişigüzel hayran olmadım; sezgisel olarak anladığım bir şeymiş gibi tanıdık geldiler. Çeşitli nedenlerden dolayı (pratiklik, korku, zamanlama, sorumluluk), tamamen o yolu takip etmek yerine daha güvenli bir rota seçtim.
Artık bir yetişkin olarak mutlaka “yeniden başlamak” veya fantastik sonuçların peşinden koşmak istemiyorum. Benim mücadele ettiğim şey uyumsuzluk duygusu: ayakları yere basan, sorumlu bir hayat yaşarken bir yandan da bir parçamın asla inecek bir yeri olmadığı yönündeki bu sessiz duyguyu taşıyorum.
Tam olarak pişmanlık hissi uyandırmıyor ve belirli insanlara karşı bir kıskançlık da değil. Daha çok, beni hâlâ etkilese de, hiçbir zaman akıcı olamadığım bir dili veya kültürü tanıyormuşum gibi bir tanıma gibi.
Anlatanlar için: • Bu duygu zamanla azaldı mı, derinleşti mi, değişti mi? • Daha sonra kendinizin o kısmını bütünleştirmenin yollarını buldunuz mu, yoksa bunun ne anlama geldiğini yeniden mi yorumladınız? • Bağlandığını hissettiğin ama hiç girmediğin bir dünyayla nasıl barıştın?
Okuduğunuz için teşekkürler.
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Some things are best left as hobbies.
You could take some classes in those areas of interest?
From the movie The Grand Budapest Hotel
“To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it. But I will say, he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvellous grace. “
Same boat. Was really into the arts, especially drawing, as a kid and veered a different direction not necessarily a safer one but got STEM degrees. I never stopped being creative but I’ve been having this nagging feeling that I should pursue art seriously……so I am. Will it work out? No clue, probably not but I’d rather be on my death bed knowing I tried and failed than to be wondering what if.
You should watch *I Saw the TV Glow*
Is this a coming out post?
Be like Louis Litt and the ballet. Love it and appreciate it. It doesn’t mean you have to make it your life. Be invested in it and spend your free time in it. There’s nothing wrong with that!
Wow. This struck me in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I wrote this comment on a very similar thread the other day, and people seemed to resonate with it. What you are feeling is, IMO, just a part of the human experience that we all have to navigate. If anything, it’s one of the better cases even, as at least the life you are living that you feel alienated from has gone somewhere. For a lot of people, their life both feels alienated from themself and like it didn’t go anywhere. With a little intentionality, you have a platform that you can at least use to get whatever you actually want out of the journey, not in a shallow socially constructed sense like attaining the label of “actor” but in a deeper and more holistic sense of your lived experience and the stories around it being what you want. Maybe that is something that is well provided by your current career, and you just need to use what you have appropriately, like providing for a family, or maybe you really do want something very different out of life, in which case the second best time to plant a tree is today.
I view it as a continuous process, more like a messy open ended expedition than a destination. I’ll get a million things wrong, but I’ll know I at least tried, and I’m confident elderly me will be content with that. How common things like mid-life crises are leads me to believe it does not truly get better with age if you avoid looking in the mirror.
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I find it cathartic to see other people who have already steeped on things I feel. I’ve always resonated with Oscar Wilde in this respect.
>Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
-Oscar Wilde, in De Profundis
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Again, Oscar Wilde.
I think people bury this kind of feeling, and view burying it as a part of growing up. But this kind of exploration is a core part of the human experience, and I’ve always tried to just embrace it. When I look at studies of deathbed regret, people tend to regret, among other things like not valuing family enough, being too conservative, not taking risks, not living more authentically. They almost never wish they had been more conventional, spent more effort in a traditional career.
You should learn from people, and understand why people do what they do. People like stability because financial instability causes a lot of stress and pain, and it eliminates options
But ultimately there’s no purpose in living someone else’s life. Those other people have their own lives that they can do with as they wish, as you have your own.
In my mind, these two ideas are best tied together, strangely, by a technical book publisher.
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-Tim O’Reilly
Financial stability is meant to provide a platform for you to do the things you want to do, have a family, be able to host friends, travel the world, deeply invest in hobbies, whatever. It is not an end in itself. It is thus not success, but a means towards some other end, where real success is doing well at those ends.
You get one go in life, and it’s important to decide what **you** want out of it. Then, pursue it seriously wherever that goes. That resulting centeredness, thoughtfulness, and intentionality, from deeply understanding yourself and building conscientiously towards what you want out of life, is real maturity IMO. Pursuing a kind of thin hedonic feeling of validation in every moment is childish. That’s what people are contrasting when they refer to the drudge as a sign of maturity. But pursuing a deep sense of eudaimonic purpose, and doing so diligently over the valleys of discomfort in the way, is not childish, it is the opposite, solving for what the most mature version of yourself will care about the most.
The experience of how you spend 40 hours per week is part of that equation, but so is what is enabled for others, for you to do in the other 72 waking hours of the week, and what it might enable with building towards FIRE, etc. It’s a balancing act, and I think you’ll feel less of this anxiety once you have a very clear understanding of what you want and how what you’re doing builds towards it. No one can do that work on understanding what you want for you. Our tendency to try to externalize that is the problem in the first place.
I could never decide what to do with myself (and still kind of can’tn hence why I’m here), but I used to make music and DJ and was actively pursuing it while working regular jobs to get by for years – from my teens (late 90s) well into my 20’s… and it was at times fun, but mostly exhausting and defeating.
It used to be more affordable to get by at least, but I knew it would likely be *years* of long hours, struggle, and near-poverty living – and it may well all amount to nothing. For every success story there are hundreds or thousands of failures.
I had made a little headway in some online spaces and even got a little residency at a nightclub, but I’m far from where things are *happening*, and I knew nobody in the industry – most people I met were just as struggling or more casual even, or just partiers that pull you into that kind of lifestyle… and I knew it would be a rough path going that way. Plus I knew it would be hard-to-impossible to compete in bigger markets with people who started on second or third base.
Eventually I threw in the towel, but slowly I kept collecting instruments/hardware and a lot of the software and stuff just in case inspiration grabbed me again, or at least to do as a hobby. But with a lot of writers block and exhaustion from normal life/heavier fulltime work as time went on, it just ended up being a reminder of what could have been, so I sold it all following my divorce in the mid-2010s and never looked back. I’m kind of glad I got away from it all before social media algorithms and all that garbage came along, not to mention the bottom basically falling out for all but the most driven/passionate/rich superstars basically.
So yeah I’m very steeped in “what could have been”, but in those years just before my split and life change I had met a number of former professional musicians, DJs, and recording studio types in my workplaces (tech & A/V industries) who opened my eyes even further to some of the realities of that life and how it’s even less fun at a higher level than you might think. Also a lot less money (as I figured). They’re doing the same paper pushing and stuff that I am now so I really just got a head-start there anyway.
Life isn’t so bad now, I’m not a massively driven person so I’m ok with chilling and just living without all the pressure and stuff. I’ve done a bunch of amazing solo travelling after selling most of my stuff during my years of newfound “freedom” after the split, and those former musicians were truly excited for me – they never saw much more than the inside of hotel rooms when they travelled, and barely knew where they were half the time, so I certainly didn’t miss out on anything there.
You can’t have too many regrets. It’s great to try things to get lots of different experiences, but also invaluable to know when to stop chasing some things and cut your losses. It can save a lot of other kinds of heartbreak! Accept where you are as being part of the path, and the path isn’t at the end yet anyway!
Yup that’s me. I find escape in creative writing and gaming
Hy!
Yes. I deal with that every day. By different reasons I choose a different life. A more quite and hermit one. To cope with that dryness(thats what I call it). I tease it.
I have the corporate job/ almost descent life. However I am a stage hand for a production company. A simple side hustle. Not flashy and on my terms. I get paid scrap(18-27 per hpur depending on the task) but for 1 or 2 days I am there. I do anything. I have done rigging, sound, lights, props, acting. I have met and talked like a normal person with amazing artists. And then I go back to the choosen life.
Don’t feel bad. There are dimensions of our lifes that for a reason in that moment you choose to leave back. Thats a part of you. Feed it once in a while. Maybe that will take you somewhere new.