Aralık 19, 2025
28M bipolar. Okulu yeni bıraktım. Tekrar. Kaybolmanın ötesindeyim.
28 ay, bipolar, 5 kez üniversiteyi terk, hâlâ ailemle yaşıyorum, hiç iş sahibi olmadım
Bunu kısa tutmak için elimden geleni yapacağım. Bana altı yaşında (evet altı) yaygın anksiyete bozukluğu ve 15 yaşında bipolar bozukluk 2 teşhisi konuldu. O günden beri hayatım cehenneme döndü. İnternet üzerinden bitirmeden önce üç farklı liseye gittim. Korkunç bir sosyal kaygım var ve hiç arkadaşım olmadı. Notlarım berbattı ama sanırım ACT’de bir devlet okuluna girecek kadar başarılıydım. Başladım ve aslında ilk iki yılımda oldukça iyi iş çıkardım.
Ayrıntılara girmeyeceğim çünkü sonsuza kadar burada kalacaktık ama işler KÖTÜleşti. Notlarım düştü ve sonunda bırakmak zorunda kaldım. Yıl 2018’di. O zamandan beri, evime daha yakın bir banliyö okulunun tam bir şakası olarak 5 kez kaydoldum ve sonunda okulu bıraktım.
Her neyse, dereceyi tamamlamaya çok yaklaştım ama yine okulu bırakmak zorunda kaldığım gerçeği göz önüne alındığında, bitirmeye çalışmaktan vazgeçmenin zamanı geldi gibi görünüyor. Bu batık bir maliyet.
Aksi takdirde aklıma gelen hiçbir becerim yok. Öğrenmeye çalışabileceğim bazı şeyler olduğunu biliyorum ve fikirlere fazlasıyla açığım. En büyük ilgi alanlarım okumak, yazmak, balık tutmak, kamp yapmak ve fotoğrafçılıktır. İkincisi geçerli bir kariyer yolu değil ve edinebileceğim ilgi alanlarıyla uyumlu herhangi bir beceri bilmiyorum, ancak yanıldığımı kanıtlamayı çok isterim.
Nereye döneceğimi bilmiyorum. Eğer bulabilirsem, bitirmeye bu kadar yaklaşmışken diplomamı durdurmayı gerçekten umursamıyorum. bir şey bu beni aktif olarak daha mutsuz yapmıyor. Zengin olmama gerek yok. Fazla bir şeye ihtiyacım yok. Çok fazla alana ihtiyacım yok ve orada sadece benim yaşamamdan daha fazlası olma ihtimali yok denecek kadar az, yani bunun yaşam maliyeti açısından faydası olur sanırım?
Nereye gideceğim hakkında hiçbir fikrim yok. Mutsuzum ve kendimi tamamen başarısız hissediyorum. Eğer bana 10 yıl önce burada olacağımı söyleseydin kendimi öldürürdüm. Aklımda hiç şüphe yok.
Bana umut ışığı verecek bir şey bulamazsam bu kesinlikle olacak. Burada hepinize çalışacak neredeyse hiçbir şey vermediğimi biliyorum ve bunun için özür dilerim. Ama duvarların daha önce hiç olmadığı kadar üzerime kapandığını hissediyorum. Yardıma ihtiyacım var.
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I’m bipolar 2 and have an anxiety disorder as well. I dealt with my issues by becoming an outrageous drug addict and alcoholic.
I managed to get through college and hold down a career, but it’s been a bumpy ride. When I was 29, I had to go in the psych ward twice for a near suicide attempt. In college my depression got so bad that I stayed in bed for a month once and failed a class.
You didn’t mention the state of your psychiatric treatment. I actually wasn’t diagnosed bipolar until I was 32. Until then, everyone just told me I had treatment-resistant depression. Took awhile for me to have a bad enough manic episode for it to raise a red flag that something was off with my diagnosis.
Are you on medication? Getting on the correct medication should be the number one priority in your life right now. When I finally got on the right meds, my episodes stopped on a dime. Bipolar is a horrible disease but it thankfully responds very well to medication, so you should be able to treat it.
I found the anxiety to be more difficult to treat. I’m a recovering addict so I can’t take benzos (shouldn’t take those long term anyway). I’ve tried numerous different medications and none of them worked. I’ve been in therapy for years and CBT had limited effectiveness. I could barely think straight in work meetings and I thought I was going to have a stunted career because of it. I would spend all my free time agonizing over painful memories. Two months ago I discovered the ketogenic diet and it completely resolved my anxiety. It was a miracle. It sounds crazy, but I’d give it a shot if I were you. What do you have to lose?
Once you get your psychiatric issues under control, you’ll probably find it way easier to finish your degree and start a career.
Outside of your professional and psychiatric life, make sure you build a solid foundation of health. Exercise and sleep well. It’s easy to write these things off, but they make a big difference.
It’s a lot to think about when you consider everything at once. Just take it one step at a time and as you start to heal, bigger challenges won’t feel so impossible.
Start at a job you don’t need a degree for. If Amazon is an option where you are, they don’t require any experience and don’t even make you interview. Getting out and having to face your anxiety is really hard, but doing it gets you used to it. It will always be there, but you learn how to cope with it. It will also help to get you moving around and thinking. I’ve been where you are and I swear this helped me.
Once you’re used to the job and start to get comfortable there, you can use any time you’re not having to talk or listen to people to think about what you might rather be doing. If you can have your phone, take notes there, if not, keep a little notepad in your pocket and write down whatever you think of.
Maybe you’ll decide on a path while you’re there, but if nothing else at least you will have something to put on your resume, which will make it a lot easier to get hired somewhere else. It’s really hard to get a job with no work experience unless you’re young or know someone
hi. 29, bipolar 2 here! diagnosed in the 7th grade. went through high school and college unmedicated.
going on medication has been the biggest life changer for me. i’m on depakote and lexapro; both have profoundly changed my life. lexapro has helped me with social anxiety immensely and depakote has helped regulated my moods, along with some therapy.
i have a job where my sole responsibility is to help others. it helps me remember that i have a purpose. the job also has a semi-easy way to get health insurance, retirement, etc. so i don’t have to worry too much.
i also love to read, and i set yearly goals for myself. i talk to people online and in person about what i’m reading and my goals. something you may be interested in are silent book clubs. there maybe one near you. you can also check out your local library to see if there is a book club; most of them won’t pressure you to talk, and you can safely meet a lot of people.
what are you majoring in? i went to college and had to transfer from where i was at first because i didn’t fit in. not only did i transfer but i also changed my major to something i loved deeply despite the lack of job opportunities supposedly in the field. honestly though, it wasn’t the fact that i loved academia that kept my going; it was the fact that i knew i had to get a college degree. i knew if i didn’t create/accept/endeavor that change, i would be stuck. in order to endeavor though, i had to ask for help from therapists to professors, and i couldn’t have a sense of pride abou it.
another thing: you could potentially get accommodations for bipolar 2. i did not have them because my parents thought i didn’t need them, but i’m pretty sure that falls under the 504 umbrella.
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