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What do I do? I learned I am not my father’s daughter.

Hi (maybe throwaway, we will see)

I really need perspectives. First I love my family, I can not remember many bad things between us, I am/was closer with my mother but I think i have a very good relationship with my father, we share even hobbies together and my brother and I also are very close.

It turned out I (19f) am not my father’s daughter (x1) (my brother (21) is very likely his son, they share a hereditary disease). I confronted my mother, the first times she dismissed it and left the house, when she came back she screamed at me to let it go the third time she broke down, said that it is possible but i can never tell him, she says he’s throwing us both out if he would know (x2). She said he would not accept me if he would know.

I planed/tried to talk to him yesterday, but I panicked (I thought i would simply mention the test, or ask for a real one to be sure, but how can i do that?). I fear my mother could be right.

Since than i can not look him in the eyes. My mother cooked big and is extra attentive, talks about family and how good our life is a lot… I can not stand her.

I wrote a letter to not tell him myself but did not give it to him?

What do I do?… I am terrified of telling him. I feel like i betrayed him. I have no Idea what I would do if he really kicks us out. My mother does not work and did not since a long time… I could, but it would change everything. I am so angry with her and now me, and so sad. I think he should know, make an informed decision, but maybe not now? After my education? This is so fucked up, I know I did nothing wrong until I did not tell him, but since than i feel shady and selfish… Even the thought to wait to tell him makes me sick, but it would maybe be better for me? ​

​

x1: My made a 23andMe in august his year, partly for fun but mostly because he fears a genetic disease that my father fights since a view years. He urged me to make one too for early treatment, I did. I got it back on the 24th… and it says we are half siblings. We do not have a real fatherhood test so far, but my mother admitted that there is a chance, but refuses to tell me more so far.

x2: I live still with my parents (and plan to do that until I finished my education), me and my brother have a floor of the house for our self. I really like it there.

x3: My father travels a lot, he is normally away for ~4 days a week.

Edit: Thanks for the replays everyone. I need to step away a bit, many of the posts let my cry again, especially the ones that say nice things or try to ensure me that he would still love me… I want to go on a long walk to think and calm down… I will come back later… sorry for not replaying until than.

Edit2: Thank you all very much. I decided to tell him. But I am still not sure how. There are suggestions to bring him and my mother together, present the test and tell her she need to explain it to him. In private msg i was asked what his job is, and someone added to my consideration that it could endanger him. Many pointed out I should think about a backup plan, and made clear that it is very likely that my mother will resent me if i tell him. This means there is a very real possibility that I am alone afterwards.

I may go hiking with my brother a view days and talk to him first. I also talked to a friend of mine and her mother that is a very close friend since childhood, I would be welcome at least a view weeks there, for a start. She thinks I should not talk to him before christmas… she thinks that is something for the new year’s day, but I can not imagine christmas like that. I also will visit another friend for the next days… I can’t stand them at the moment.

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36 Yorumları

  1. The fear that your dad could cut both of you off is very real.

    The pragmatic approach would be to never tell him and pretend you just found out when it does come out.

    The selfless approach would be to just tell him consequences be damned.

    The best thing if selfish thing to do is to get your education abd then tell him.

  2. Reason #4997395 for mandatory paternity tests before a man’s name is put on a birth certificate.

    You need to tell your father ASAP.

    Think about what you want more. Do you want to use him for his money for a bit longer to feed your own convenience? Or do you want to respect his agency and consent and tell him the truth ASAP?

    Don’t cheapen your love for him by waiting.
    If you have any respect for him, tell him immediately.

  3. Actions have consequences. You did nothing wrong. You have to tell your father and live with his decisions after he knows the truth. He will either accept you, never talk to you again or something in between. He’s entitled to pick either option. This is the ultimate betrayal for a man and every man’s fear.

  4. I am sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately you have no choice but to tell your father about your suspicion. If you really love him, you have to. Good luck to you.

  5. Something to consider, OP, is that he already knows and has kept it to himself.

  6. First it was your mother who lied to him and withhold the truth from your father because of which he couldn’t make a decision whether he want to be with you or not .

    Now you are the one doing the same thing as your mother withholding the truth from him. Let the man make his decision atleast as a human who have that right .

    And yeah ignore the part where you see your mother is being attentive it’s just her guilt making her do this things not because she love your family .

  7. OP please realize that no one here has your best interest at heart, they’re all concerned about your father’s feelings. There was a post not too long ago about a 15 yr girl that was in your similar position and everyone on the thread encouraged this little girl to reveal the secret that she wasn’t his biological child and he threw her out. Then they encouraged her to call cps and eventually she was let back in but of course the dynamics of their relationship changed and she said the father was doing the absolute bare minimum to not get arrested.

    I know you’re not a 15yr girl but ask yourself if you and your mom were thrown out the house tonight would you be able to find a job/shelter to take care of yourself? Even if you were would you be able to afford your classes to continue your education?

    I’m not saying your father doesn’t deserve to know I’m just saying you need to think about all possibilities and the fact is you do not need to tell him right now but until you are self sufficient to live your life should anything happen.
    This is a touchy subject matter for Reddit and this site is extremely misogynistic, they will often steer you in the wrong direction if you’re a woman. They’d rather side with the guy in a story who’s not the main character and completely disregard your feelings.
    It’s not your business to tell your father because you yourself don’t know the whole truth, that is for your mom to handle.

  8. u/paniced I strongly suggest that you tell your father soon, rather than have him discover the truth on his own.

    It could be seen as a bigger betrayal that you knew and hid it, causing damage to your relationship beyond what your mother has done.

    I would suggest starting the conversation with something similar to:

    “Dad, I believe **we are both victims** of a large betrayal and lie of my Mother. I did the 23andme test, per your recommendation to make sure I don’t have [genetic disease], and thankfully I don’t, but I also learned that [brother] and I only share half of our DNA.

    If I am interpreting these results correctly, it means I may not be your biological child, but please understand that ***you are my father and I love you more than anything.***

    I have been afraid to tell you because Mom said it was my fault and that you wouldn’t love me anymore. She also said it would cause you to kick me out and stop loving me.

    I realize this is shocking news and will take time to process, but we should get a DNA test to confirm before we go nuclear and confront Mom about her ***victimizing us*** with her lies and infidelity.

    Just know that **you are my father in every sense of the word**, and that I cannot imagine a life without your love, compassion, jokes, and all the things that you’ve taught me and still have to teach me.”

    Good luck and please update us as the situation develops.

    Edit: a few words and formatting

  9. not telling him will only make you an accomplice.

    You can shut up to exploit him some more for your education right….

    But then once he’ll know you will have no chance to come back.

    If you wanna make the right thing… you have to tell him and you should ask YOUR REAL father to pay for the education since you already scammed your step father for 18years.

    How about that?

  10. He is still your father biological or not. It may hurt but he needs the truth too.

  11. all I can say is there will be a time when he will come to know about it one way or the another coz the truth can’t be hidden (your mum tried to hide it but u somehow stumbled upon the truth, maybe in the future your father might accidentally stumble upon it too)…

    now, it’s upon yourself to decide who should be the bearer of the bad news.

    My suggestion :- *write him a letter telling him the truth, give him the letter, make him promise he won’t open it for a year or two (depending upon yourself when you can be financially stable) if he loves you a lottt (stating the reason for your delaying the opening of letter on the letter itself {so that if he accidentally opens it out of curiosity, he will come to know of your fears and if he opens sometime later, he will understand you})*

    all the best and take care

  12. He’ll only be angry with you if he funds out you kept it a secret, right now it’s 100% on your mother.

  13. Make sure you have a place to stay before you tell him. Some fathers stick around after finding out while others complete reject their non-bio children. If you’re dependent on him you need to have some sort of back-up plan in case it goes left.

  14. I’m going to go against the grain and suggest you break the news without your mom being around. Maybe confide in your brother about whats going on, and about your mothers threat, you can then both break the news to your dad.

    Having her around will just complicate the situation. She’ll lie, minimize, and yell towards you, and try and make you out to be the bad guy. Better for your dad to have a few hours to himself, in order to properly process the information. His worlds about to be turned upside down, it isn’t everyday you realize you’ve been raising another mans kid, nor that your wife of however many years has been unfaithful. Or that said wife, has been blackmailing their kid into staying silent.

    If your mom gets in the way of you informing your dad, coordinate with your brother, and have him take her out somewhere, so you have time to break the news.

    The mans raised you for 19 years, I can’t speak towards his immediate reaction, but I can say that your moms manipulating you into staying silent. Yes theirs a significant chance this’ll change your relationship moving forward, but theirs also a chance he’ll continue viewing you as his daughter as long as you continue viewing him as your dad. If you say nothing, you’ll become complicit in your mothers affair and lie, and neither you or your dad would want that.

    Try not to take his reaction to the news personally, his worlds about to be turned upside down, and who knows how he’ll react to the news. If he’s given time, he may come to see the truth of the situation, and see your just as much of a victim as he is. Blood or not he’s your dad, encourage that sentiment moving forward because he may be fearful you’ll replace him.

  15. It’s your mom who is at fault
    U have an obligation to inform your father

  16. Your mother had 19 years to come clean about her infidelity. This is clearly a secret she’d rather take to the grave. But you need to tell him now and don’t listen to a word your mother is saying. She’s trying to scare you into silence.

  17. Before you tell him you need to try and come to terms with the fact that there is a good chance he will disown you. Its the ultimate betrayal for him. Some people cannot recover from that. I’m sorry for your situation, you shouldn’t have to hold this lie and he should know.

  18. OP, all you did was be born. You have no ability to choose your parents. Your mom is the person who betrayed your dad.

    It’s impossible for us to know how he will react to being told. Some men react by rejecting the children they’ve raised, others don’t. I’d hope your dad would not reject you. But you won’t know unless you tell him.

    Please tell him. He will be very hurt if he finds out about your mom’s infidelity and that you’ve known and didn’t tell him. That would be a whole other betrayal to him.

  19. Did you talk to your mom again and give her the opportunity to talk to your dad first about the problem?

  20. Your mom sounds awful. She cheated on your dad and now she’s trying to manipulate you into not telling. She’s threatening you saying how awful everything wouldn’t if you talked. What a bitch.

  21. If you don’t and he finds out for himself

    You will have betrayed his trust and been apart of the lie

    Your mom is trying to scare you bcuz if you aren’t his daughter she obvs cheated lmao
    Then had him raise another man’s kid

    But you’re still gonna be his child
    It might be a little strained at first
    But he raised you it won’t just up and vanish

  22. It’s best to tell him and explain it to him how you feel just like you told us.

    If you were to drag it out after your education and he finds out about for how long you knew, he’ll take it as if you used him to pay for your education.

  23. >My father travels a lot, he is normally away for ~4 days a week.

    There is more than what you think. I don’t want to jump in to the conclusion “once a cheater is always a cheater” but you should tell your dad what you found out and take a proper DNA test then take your mom to the polygraph test to know how it happened and is that true “once a cheater is always a cheater”. You should hear you mom side of the story but don’t believe her, tell her that you will run a lie detecting test and force her to tell what really happens. Then tell your dad you loved him and will do. I was 200% sure he will never let you go.

    >said that it is possible but i can never tell him, she says he’s throwing us both out if he would know

    She is manipulated you don’t believe her. Go tell your dad, it won’t be a big deal if it was just a one time thing. Don’t let her manipulate you. Your dad will never kick you out. As a mother telling that “your father will kick you out” is not appropriate. Please tell your dad.

  24. Frankly. I would wait until you have a secure living incase it all comes down. If you can wait until your education is finished it would be the best. It hurts and it will hurt but try to look at it in a detached way to see what would happen if he was told. Make contingency plans for your self but also for your dad. He may not be yours biologically but in feelings. There has been to many stories of dads finding out that their child is not theirs and then ditching said child. Understandably but a world of hurt neither deserves. You are hurt right now but really think about it in the long way. Do you love your dad? Do you want to keep him in your life? Or is it okay if you would not have that relationship anymore?

    Don’t do anything right now! Really think about it and decide what to do later. Good luck and many hugs.

  25. I’m a male. I think any men can just nut-off and create a baby. But not many men can stick from birth, supporting, being there every single day, loving, caring, sacrificing, working, providing for a child for years and years.

    If you choose to tell him, tell him he’s doing what a real father does. (okay maybe you change the nut-off with some other family-friendly words)

  26. There’s never a good moment, give him the letter. Thing is, biologically, he may not be your father but he’s there and hopefully the love he’s had for you since the very first moment he held you, nay, from the first moment he knew you existed is enough that he’ll be more accepting. It may take time and a lot of effort but I hope it works out for you.

    Sometimes the dad who contributed isn’t that great. Mine almost killed my mum and I while she was still pregnant with me. He never signed my birth certificate and he never gave two shits to meet me, to make an effort, not even pay child support. He took his own life when I was 12 so unfortunately I’ll never have the chance to ask him all the whys about what he did but your dad is there and he loves you. He may not be too forgiving of your mum but she has lived a lie almost 20 years and thing is, you dad may already have his suspicions, you never know.

    I do hope it all works out for you though. Just remember that no matter what happens, you aren’t at fault here. Your mum and her poor choices are.

  27. Finding out that one of your parents had an affair is awful. It’s a double hit.

    You love your mother. How could someone you love do something so terrible? So callous? Especially *to* someone that you love so dearly as your father?

    You love your father. How can you bear to see your father be so badly betrayed and wounded – let alone by someone you also love so deeply as your mother?

    It’s a dual injury for the child when a parent has an affair. You’re caught in the middle, bleeding on two fronts. And you have the added emotional blow of finding out that your mother’s betrayal extends so far that your father is not even your biological donor!

    That is a *lot* to get your head and heart around.

    It’s okay to be reeling. It’s okay to feel like you’re standing in the middle of a hurricane.

    I suggest that you look for a therapist. This is not an insult, and it doesn’t make you weak or bad or needy. A therapist is a person with training to help you navigate that emotional hurricane and clean up the storm damage afterwards. Just like it’s okay to employ someone to guide you up a tricky mountain trail, it’s okay to employ someone to help with this task.

    A therapist can help you sort out how to address this situation with you dad. But even if you don’t see one before you speak to him, they can help you in the aftermath.

    Always remember that you are not the problem here. You did nothing wrong. You are precious and valuable, and you improve the world by being in it.

  28. Tell him. Because your mom sure as hell won’t. He deserves to know and might love you more for telling him. If he finds out at a later time he might resent you for keeping it to yourself. I know it’s scary but being a father is more than biology so if he throws you out he’s never been your true father. I hope he realizes that this changes nothing between you two and everything between him and your mom. Best of luck!

  29. Were I you, I would wait until all three of you are together. I would have my DNA results in hand. And I would say “Mom, you have something to tell Dad.” Put it on her, since she’s responsible for this whole thing now.

  30. So first thing is, nothing is your fault. As much as people wish it for it, no one gets to choose their parents. i wouldn’t tell him until you are done with school and out on your own. Once you are in a position where he can’t kick you out or cut you off than i would tell him if you still felt the desire to.

    Otherwise you could just keep quiet for your mother’s sake since she is worried he would kick her out. What you should do though is use the leverage of telling your father to get your mother to tell you who your real father is, in case you wanted to try to make contact with him. If you don’t care then i say don’t rock the boat.

  31. Would you rather have him as your father than some guy your mom had a fling with a long time ago, this guy was there for you for 19 years of your life. You should think really hard before you decide to tell him as such relationships once broken are very hard to fix

  32. I don’t think you should wait. You obviously can’t live with the lie and it will create a gap between your father and you if you keep the truth since it eats you so much. Now if you wait , he will definitely overthink it because if I had a daughter and she told me that , my first questions would be how and when did you know. Find a good moment , talk to him and hope for the best. It may end up with you being thrown out , it may end up well but in my opinion , it’s something that you will talk about sooner or later so better go through it early.

    Edit : you are a victim here , not at fault , don’t blame yourself , you didn’t betray or lie to him.