First of all, thank you everyone who reached out. I am no longer able to respond to your comments but they all mean so much right now. I’ve read through all of them and cried like hell.
We held a memorial for him yesterday at the bar where we always met up. There was over 20 of us who came to talk, grieve, cry and honor his memory. We lit candles and placed roses on the spot he always stood in when he was having a smoke. We said our last goodbyes and wrote his and all of our names there, and held a silent minute for him. It was really beautiful even tho it was absolutely devastating as well.
We cried so much, all of us. But I truly think we all needed it. My friends who found him met his mother yesterday to talk about funeral arrangements, and when we were at the bar we sent her a picture of all of us and she said it meant a lot we were there. There was so much love for him in the room and I just hope he did feel the love when he was alive.
It does feel surreal but it helps that none of us who were there is not alone in this. He brought us all together when he was alive and now when he is gone. Now what we all need is time and support from eachother but also professional help.
I think that I’ll be fine, one day. It’s hard now and the fact that he’s really gone might properly hit me in the face soon, but for now I feel that it’s gonna work out.
He was so strong for us for so long and now he no longer has to be in pain.
ETA: When we all met we were talking about that why none of us saw the signs and wondered for how long had he planned this. It turns out it seems to have been weeks, there had been some words here and there and the way he had acted was really not how he usually was. But this is of course so easy to see in retrospect. I found out from the girl he was seeing that he stopped responding to her mid conversation, so he did it that night when we last met.