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My GF keeps apologizing to me

For a bit of background, she had a pretty rough home life and dealt with a substantial amount of emotional abuse. I’m aware of the effects it can have on a person and I would love to do anything I can to alleviate that pain but I’m not sure what to do at this point.

Her and I have been together for nearly a year now and I’ve tried to convince her that I am not upset and don’t need an apology. I’ve reassured her every chance I got and think about what I say in hopes she won’t think to apologize for something. I begin to feel bad for it because I think I must be doing something wrong but I also start feeling frustrated because I keep asking her to not apologize. How can I help her get past this?

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  1. Mate, I live with a victim of domestic and parental abuse and 16 years later she still apologises to me on the regular. My take on this is that what she’s actually doing is reassuring herself that you’re not so pissed off with her shit that you’re going to abandon her. So she checks in on your protestations that she doesn’t need to apologise and makes sure they’re genuine, then she can be reassured that you two are still ok. Take it like that, reassure her, she has no baseline other than you and this is her checking that baseline is still stable and ok with being there for her.

    From my experience I would say she will never stop apologising to you, because she will never be secure that her emotional shit isn’t driving you away, but the frequency will lessen over time as you prove that you’ve got more love and concern than that.

  2. I think a year seems like a long time, but because of the length of trauma it’s probably difficult for her. She could be slightly afraid of losing you as well or messing up the relationship because sometimes people with trauma feel they don’t deserve to be treated special? So she’s just being super cautious. I could be wrong but these are a few reasons i feel she keeps saying it. HOWEVER, your patience and reassurance is going to help and pay off in the long run. Believe me. I’m still learning but a friend of mine has reallllllyyyy been helping me recognize it.