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My (21M) gf (22F) dad raped her and is still important in her life, and wants me to act like nothing ever happened with him

So to keep things short and sweet, she recently opened up to me and her family about the abuse. It destroys me that the family still stayed together almost as if nothing happened. Before her opening up to all of us, mind you the abuse was 5 years ago, i would see her at her house, go every few days, hangout with the dad and mom, drink a few beers, maybe watch a movie. Since she told all of us, i havent been to her house. Ive picked her up once since then. All these other times we’ve hung out, she comes to my place and then we’ve gone out.

Yesterday she told me that she doesnt want to lose me. That she loves me, but she also still wants her dad in her life. That, and i quote “want him to walk me down the aisle, want him to see our future kids.” I had told her before that if she wanted the relationship to work, that i would not allow him to see our kids in the future and that he would not be their grandfather. I love her, with everything i got. She makes me the best version of myself. I just dont know how to handle the relationship between me and the dad. I asked if things are back to normal in her household and she told me yes. And that she does want me to go see her, to spend time with them again. She went as far as to say if i could just ask as if nothing ever happened.

This just seems like an impossible task for me. And i feel like i will always be uncomfortable around him now. I hate what he did. I feel like i wouldnt be able to hide the anger i have towards him. And i dont want to create more issues in between them either. Is it possible for things to go back to “normal”? A point where i can not necessarily forget what he did to her but to accept it and move on?

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  1. Ask her what she would do if you had a daughter together and her dad raped your child as well. Dont accept “he wouldn’t do that” as an answer. Both you and she need to realize that he absolutely would. Hopefully that might start her on the path of therapy and cutting her dad out of her life completely. Considering how long this has gone on and how deeply she has committed to this fantasy idea of a dad who never did those things and will “walk her down the aisle” like some kind of movie this is not looking good for her ability to recognize and deal with reality. Don’t ignore this and unfortunately it seems unlikely that you should stay with this person.

  2. If you guys do have kids in the future PLEASE do not let her father anywhere near them

  3. My mom is the same way. Her dad abused her and she just chooses to ignore it. My sister and I both know because she told my dad (haven’t been together since I was 4) but my mom never thought anyone would believe her so she chose to stay quiet. She still calls him dad and hugs him and calls him and sees him, it’s so weird to me. I choose to not associate with my mom’s side of the family and just mind my own business, but my mom is in therapy. I’d recommend encouraging your girlfriend to go to therapy and maybe going yourself too. See where it goes from there. I would mention to her that in the event you two had kids you’re not comfortable risking that trauma on your children and would be against him seeing them or being around them without you there.

  4. Think about your future children. Do you want them around that man? How sound is she (or anyone in that family) that they are pretending none of it happened? This is not ok.

  5. My ex-gf was raped by her dad, along with a whole list of other atrocities that aren’t necessarily needed to type here. I never met the man but once. I had to promise on my honour not to hurt him, and I didn’t want to meet the fucker in the first place. I did it for her and I resented every second of sitting within arm’s reach of this turd. I’m the least violent person I know, I have never punched anybody with intent in my life, but I could have cut that fucker’s throat out without even thinking about it.

    Before and after that one concession to her I refused point blank to ever be near the man, until I stood next to him on his death bed and got to whisper to him what how the world would have been better off if he’d never existed and that the pain he was going through as he died was nowhere near enough for any kind of justice.

    My point is, you have to let her deal with this her way, but you also have to be true to your own moral compass. So she wants to act like it didn’t happen? I can’t see it, but it’s her trauma and her choice. I would recommend her seeing a therapist to at least be able to connect with the harm he did her and see it for what it was, but again that has to be her choice.

    I used to get sooo frustrated when everyone else in her family acted like it just didn’t happen, and she did too, keeping a careful but loving relationship with him that baffled the fuck out of me, but I also saw that she was dealing with this in the only way she knew that seemed to work, no matter how fucked up that was. SO I accepted her actions, because inside she was fucked up in so many ways that it wasn’t down to me to dictate how to process this, and the way she did it at least kept her out of an insane asylum.

    For you, absolutely stand your ground. Do not waver. Out of the all the people involved in this farrago of bullshit, you must be the one absolute wall against this being accepted as normal and acceptable. Don’t ever act like it didn’t happen, don’t accept conversation like you’re part of a big happy family, don’t mix with him nor be in a room with him ever again. You don’t have to force your view on anyone, throwing accusations and anger, but you also do not have to budge one inch when being expected to tolerate it or do things like accept this fucking turd of a human being into your life or your future family’s lives.

  6. Op think about your future children, if your wife is willing to rug sweep the sa what’s stopping her from rug sweeping the sa against her/your kids???

    Her wanting things to be normal includes leaving “grandpa” alone with the grandchildren, it’s practically free real estate for a creep like him I bet his counting on it too cause after all he has the boat steadiers to steady the boat for him and not even give him a slap on the wrist!!!


  7. no way. Dude I would never let a rapist around my kids. She’s trauma bonded but that does not mean you have to stay. You cannot raise a family with someone content with having her rapist in her life

  8. I couldn’t be with anyone who wouldn’t protect their kids from someone like that. This is how intergenerational sexual abuse happens. Your GF needs therapy

  9. I’m sorry op, but you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who has unhealthy views/boundaries. Give her a number to a good therapist then call it a day.

  10. Wow, that is awful. If I was in your place I wouldn’t be able to go back to “normal” either. Obviously this family has many issues. If you stay with her, she will probably tell you more things…Sometimes the drama (or disfunction) isn’t worth it.

    I do feel very sorry for this family, but you can still get out. She isn’t your wife or baby momma, so the easy answer is to cut ties with the whole family.

  11. This is a deal breaker. If you don’t walk away now, you’ll only bring yourself future trouble. You have kids with her, your kids will be exposed to a predator. You can recommend she seek professional help but if she doesn’t see anything wrong with the situation she won’t get help or change her mind.

  12. Honestly dude, if i was in your position i would make her see a therapist or something and get her to talk about it for a while and then tell her that if she doesnt realise her father is disgusting and shouldnt be a free man, that you would go to authorities about him. Or leave her. It sounds harsh asf, but acting as if something like child molestation never happened is such a big nono i cant even begin to describe. He should not be allowed around children now or ever. Dont have kids with her and risk it happening to more innocent children.

  13. This is awful, and I’m sorry for all involved. Sadly this is common in incestuous families. (Pretending everything is fine). I would focus on what your goals are for yourself and how that works with your relationship and values.

    You two are young: would you raise your children around their grandfather if you two had a child?

    Do you ever want to be around an adult you know raped his own daughter?

    What is it you need and want in life? Who can you talk to about this? These are the questions to ask. And please know that there is layers and layers here no one will ever get to the bottom of which either you’re choosing to be in or not. This is a well established family dynamic and norm. You can’t force anyone into therapy but you, but this kind of abuse has a lot of ongoing repercussions in an entire family that never stops.

    *read Judith Lewis Herman’s Father-Daughter Incest, 1981* for more info than you would want to know on these types of families, abuse patterns, etc.

    Good luck.

  14. that is quite fucked up that the family is ok with it??? She could be hiding how she truly felt since her family didnt seem to have much respond or shock to it… and is even ok with it up till now.
    you are honestly not entitled to like the dad, if i were you i will be scared for the gf and even your future kids.
    As much as it is her family, it will no longer be just her family if you guys are serious and will get married in the future. Let her know your concerns and let her go to therapy. i dont think it is possible to just brush it off so easily and still act normal unless she and her family themselves are fucked up too

  15. Stockholm syndrome. Please get her into therapy