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I think my wife is having an affair

*Throwaway for obvious reasons.*

So the low down is me (M27) and my wife (F28), we’ve been married 6 years.

We are not having a great time, I will admit now I am not the husband of the year, but I do want to do better. I have been short with my wife in the past, never physical, and likewise she’s a bit short with me (we’re both stubborn you see)

My wife is currently on a tip away this weekend visiting a new friend.

But some of her behaviour traits seem off….

I did a very bad thing and read through her discord messages with this guy. (She leaves the laptop on)

I did that Just because how quiet she was about this trip, how quiet she is about the person she’s meeting, and how in the past when she talked to an ex she brought up “open marriage”.

There’s messages which are sexual in nature, general fliting, and talk about “making up excuses” about the trip.

I don’t know what to do..

I am shaking, I can barely breathe, I do not know what to do…

She won’t admit to sleeping with someone else, and this is completely out of character for her.

How do I approach this???I have no one to talk to.

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26 Yorumları

  1. Going on a weekend trip with a member of the opposite sex would certainly be unacceptable in my marriage. Especially if it is a “new friend”. I can’t imagine ever putting myself in a position where my wife could even come close to questioning my loyalty to her. If you value your marriage, my advise is to be upfront with her about what you know , and have a calm, meaningful conversation with her about where she is at emotionally in your marriage. Is she unhappy? Are you unhappy? It sounds like you two have some work to do to really understand where you both are at.

  2. Hire a private investigator and see what shes doing, get hard evidence of your suspicion, look up the best way to file for divorce in your state, and seek competent legal councel.

    Your wife will have a blast after you leave her, f’n an entire football team(including the bench warmers) but at the end of the day you got rid of a liability and will have plenty of time to focus on better things to do.

    P.S dont ever EVER confront her with the evidence of her affairs, leave that for the lawyers to figure out.

  3. I have read all the replies, and I have to admit they are all giving great advice.I would have done the exact thing…copy all msgs you have read,send them to her and tell her to stay with her lover,and that her belongings are with her family. Change your locks, shut any joining accounts and contact a solicitor…. Inform her family of what you are going to do,and ask them to pick her stuff up…don’t answer if she calls you…makes sure she knows that you will only talk to her when she’s ready to be honest….I’m sorry you going through this shit.

  4. I’m so sorry OP, I do hope you confront her and get out of that relationship as it really doesn’t seem good for either of you, I wish you the best and hope you can have a peace of mind soon

  5. Just leave her. I don’t understand why this is such a hard concept. Like bro, if she’s cheating, she’s cheating. Don’t be mean or make a scene or anything. But c’mon, you really think if she’s cheating you’ll be able to patch it up and move on? No, you’re gonna think of it every time you see her for a long time. You’re gonna resent and things will get worse. Just leave. No fuss. Say your peace and dip.

  6. Man confront your wife and don’t blame yourself it is not excuse for cheating.

  7. End it. I wish I could do the same. Tough situation I’m in but my wife is a dishonest person. In more ways than one. I know all about the gaslighting too. I hope things work out for you.

  8. Divorce this cheating b—-. Sorry your wife’s a ho, man.

  9. Sounds like your wife got “the 7 year Itch”. Or in this case, 6 years.

    In the past, she brought up ‘open marriage’, which means she was looking for a hall pass to get with other dudes. Right there alone, that would be enough for me to end it. But lets keep going. Now you have evidence. I would take a screen shot of this proof and then have it printed up in a page you can hand to her when you have the talk.

    I would also have this talk with her BEFORE she goes for the weekend. Or else you are just going to lay there all weekend knowing that your wife is getting banged by some dude.

    Im sorry, but its over bro. Your options:

    1. Dont accept that its over. So you dont bring it up, she goes and has sex with a dude all weekend. This scars you for life, things will never be the same again. You will never act the same around her again.
    2. Confront her. She says “I dont care, Im going.” She goes and you do nothing. She then respects you even less when she gets back and laughs behind your back. She continues then to get with other dudes while still living under your roof. Fun. You foot the bills for electric, water, and housing and she swings with other dudes.
    3. Give her the paper of her conversation, tell her its over. File for divorce. She may or may not still go for the weekend. Even if she doesn’t go this time, she will just find a way to contact this guy/another guy in a more secret pass protected way that you will not be able to find on her phone/laptop now that she was busted.

    Yeah its over. Now you have to man up and decide how its gonna be over. Some guys go nuclear and throw her shit out. Some guys contact her parents and let them know what thier daughter did and why its over. Maybe tell her to get out. Maybe she gets a lawyer and tries to take your own house from you/change locks. So you gotta lawyer up PRONTO before she gets a lawyer. Do not leave the house! This is seen as abandonment and she will through her lawyer seize the house and change the locks. Unfortunately in the eyes of the law, once you put a ring on it, she has the power in the courts, so you have to lawyer up immediately.

    I know what you are thinking. You just want all this to go away. Everything as it was. Dont want to get a lawyer, dont want to maybe lose my house, dont want my wife to cheat. But this is happening, your wife is cheating, and its all over. So stop crying/shaking, man up and clean the mess up that she created. This is her and what she did, and you reacting to it.

    You are still young, in your 20s. One problem is that you guys married too young, neither of you knew who you were yet, it seems like you were only one or two years out of high school. Moving forward? After you two separate, you need to join clubs and groups. Advents and adventures dot com has a great site to meet new people and meet a new someone. Join up guy stuff groups where you learn how to work on things in a garage, maybe like classic cars so you meet other guys that are also into that. Having a strong male friend network is very important…it doesn’t sound like you have that..everything was about your wife who is now checking out. You have to build your life up and be the best you. Hit the gym. Get buff. Join groups. Meet dudes. One great way to meet people is start a business.

    First you have to clean house and attend to this. Its not going to be fun. Good luck.

  10. OP unless you plan to change the locks on her and not confront her at all, take a look at this post by a woman who managed her confrontation really well. Highly recommend adapting he’d script. She had weeks to research her approach because the cheating had taken place in the past. Use her post to help you!

    Reposting here: it went better and worse than I thought it would. from AsOneAfterInfidelity

    You may also want to have your partially filled out divorce petition in plain sight.

    Do not ask questions you don’t have the answers to.

  11. Sorry brother. To think it was Facebook and now people are using discord.

    Well let’s get the obvious out the way. You need to divorce her, it’s done. Don’t even think about giving her a second chance. Second, take all the evidence and present it to the lawyer. I don’t know how much it will help you but I know that it’s worth a shot

    Third. Don’t debate it. Don’t open it to be a discussion. It doesn’t matter why she cheated. It doesn’t matter how many times she cheated. Don’t ask her why she did it, don’t ask her who the man is. Just tell her she has been caught and there’s nothing she can do to stop a divorce.

    Try to seek some help. A friend, some family. Do NOT start drinking or taking drugs. Give yourself some time and cut all contact from that person. It’s not going to be easy but it has to be done. You can DM me if you need someone to talk to, although I’ve never been divorced. Good luck brother

  12. Minor update. Wife called, SIL and MIL have tried calling her off the hook and are accusing her of cheating (essentially), saying that I am very upset.

    She’s now rang me calling me manipulative, and saying I ruined her only weekend away from me.

    I have not told her I know about the messages.

  13. I am not sure if anyone’s fully following new comments. Her sister has reached out to me, as she’s suspicious of something

  14. This marriage is over.

    Get a divorce and move on!

  15. Your wife went on a solo trip with another guy? I guess some people would be ok with that. Not really typical in a marriage. What’s your end game. Stay with a cheater or get divorced and maybe improve yourself and build a really good relationship with someone else in the future.

  16. Is discordchatexporter safe and will it leave a trace of being used??

  17. Please excuse the copy and paste from another of my comments.

    Please know that this is not your fault, even though she will blame you. Read this sub, they all blame the faithful spouse instead of realizing that they chose the nuclear option instead of a thousand other ways to fix the marriage. Your marriage has ended, you need to understand that. There is nothing to repair as she burned it to the ground. Do not acknowledge that you might be at fault, the time for that was before she decided to cheat.

    You file for divorce. This can always be stopped, but do it so that you can regain some control.

    Separate finances, take half out of your joint account

    Send her the messages with screenshots and tell her to stay there with her lover. Before this you need to make sure if infidelity matters in divorce. Safeguard all evidence, get all your important documents secured. Redirect if she decides to get on your case for snooping. All cheaters try that line to try blameshift.

    Kick her out of your bedroom if she decides to come home.

    Do not believe a word she says, make sure she knows that you will check if she says the sun is shining .

    Get tested for STD’s and tell her that you have done it. It does not matter if she claims her affairs never got physical.

    Take your rings off

    Research the 180 and grey rock method and apply them.

    Get into individual therapy

    Tell everyone you know what she is doing, kids and family included. She has to bear the consequences and shame.

    Make it hard for her to even have a conversation.

    You might see the sunk cost of the time together, but that did not matter to her. You are now in a marriage with someone who does not care for you.

    Do not reconcile unless she decides to take the lion share of the work. Hint, cheaters rarely do. Her being in love with him makes the chances of reconciliation slim, and the statistics already hint at only 15% success.

  18. Prepare yourself to end this marriage before you confront her with all messages that you read and tell her how her behaviour confirms cheating. She may not admit it but this does not mean that she is not cheating on you with that guy. You know this relationship needs to be ended so do it and move on from this no matter how hard it is for you. She has no respect and she takes you for granted so what else you want to divorce her. You can see a counsellor to understand how you can take steps to move on from this painful situation. If you continue with her for any reason then you are the one who is choosing to live a miserable life that you should not do.

  19. I’d send those texts messages to her and tell her not to bother coming home. You’re actually in a very strong position here—she doesn’t know that you know. You have an advantage and need to put it to good use. I know others are saying to avoid conflict but I think you need to go on the offensive here. What’s the worst that will happen? She’ll leave you? Based on these texts she’s already done that. She’s telling people you’re in an open relationship? Looks like she forgot to tell you. You say you’re not husband of the year but did you cheat? If not then she can’t claim any moral high ground for what she did-or more likely what your actions “made her do”. If you want to avoid confrontation then pack a bag and leave for a few days— no note, no contact at all, no response to emails, texts etc. take a few days to clear your mind and try to figure out what you want. Whatever you decide to do take control. Dictate the when, where how about what happens going forward. Good luck. Keep us updated.

  20. Obviously, if she’s having it, take all the evidence you can and see a lawyer, split up all the bank accounts, and get your share, before she gets it all. I hope you update

  21. Screen shot, then confront. Keep your anger in check. Tell her she needs to come clean now or your next call will be to a lawyer to consult with.

    This will jerk her out of what ever affair fog she is in. Sorry but your posts reads she is definitely lying to you in some capacity.

  22. Start collecting evidence and try keeping 100% cool and don’t change anything in your behavior for a few weeks, until you collect sufficient evidence . Then you know the rest…

  23. Hate to say it, but she’s probably messin around. All the evidence there. Terrible, so sorry.

    She’s put you in a very tough position. Easy for me to say, but you should leave while she’s gone and don’t say anything! When she gets back and see’s you’re gone, she’ll probably reach out. At that point tell her you’ll talk when you’re ready. You have to have “the talk”…Make her sweat it out and think about what she’s done a little bit. Can’t tell you what to do, but hint: you deserve better! Good luck

  24. Screen shot everything. Then call her and ask for an explanation.