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I [32M] Feel Like I Am Just My Wife’s [32F] Financial Security Blanket

Been together 7 or so years and married the last few. And struggling recently.

I have just begun to feel – or am just now realizing – like I don’t get anything back from my wife in this marriage. No emotional support – she basically blanks me if she even thinks I might be upset/sad. No contribution financially. I pay 100% of our shared finances. No errands/responsibility for house stuff. I grocery shop, pay the bills and deal with anything related to general upkeep. No affection. All kisses/hugs/handholding, etc. is initiated by me – without that initiation they’d likely not happen. No physicality/sex. At about sex twice a month with no other sexual acts like blowjobs or hell even making since year 2. No company. She spends 80+% of her free time away/out of the house doing a hobby of hers – a hobby she can only afford because I take on all of our finances. No conversations unless I initiate them. I feel like if I was away for a weekend, she wouldn’t text me unless I did it first. I am near a point where I am starting to look at this relationship from the outside and my view is slowly becoming: what exactly am I getting out of this? How do I keep contributing so much without any feeling of gratitude or love?

It sucks because I know I love her. I express it in words and actions all the time. With her it’s said but nothing else she does feels like the words have meaning to her. Which is why I feel like…do they mean anything? Or am I just financial support, stability and that’s about it? I am not sitting here expecting her to grovel at my feet or break her back showering me love…but just any sense that she’s actually invested in this relationship, in me…any sense that she actually cares or appreciates anything I do would be nice.

Has anyone dealt with this/reached a point in a relationship where this feeling hit you? How’d you deal with it and more importantly…what was the result? I know I have to speak with her but man, it feels like she’s already checked out. Either out of love with me or found something/someone else which keeps her away at her “hobby” and satisfied enough to tolerate me. I don’t know. Just worrying about what revelations/reactions confronting her about come up.

TLDR: Wife has been distant and offers very little to the relationship that doesn’t just benefit her. Feel like shes just with me because I provide financial stability.

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22 Yorumları

  1. i have no idea why you would “love” anyone like that

    tbh, first thought was is she’s having an affair

    get a lawyer, get an std check.

  2. It appears you’ve got a lot of love and support to give but man, you’re giving it to someone who doesn’t want it.

  3. Hire a private investigator. This is serious. And stop providing her money and watch her reactions and her boytoy may appear to convienently be caught by your PI. I hope you get all your assets bro. Your situation sounds hellish

  4. Sounds like a parasite, not a wife. You’d best have a very serious chat, including mentioning separation or divorce if she doesn’t step up. Do it now, because alimony is normally linked to the length of the marriage.

    Either she starts investing in the marriage, or you find someone who actually will invest because they care.

  5. Does she work at all? Like is she making any money? If she isn’t you will probably need to pay a lot of alimony unless you have a prenup. Leave, lawyer up, and give her the divorce papers, and follow the lawyer’s instructions from there.

  6. easy divorce situation. call a divorce attorney first thing in the morning and just do whatever they say

  7. I got divorced, in large part, because I felt like nothing more than a wallet/atm.

  8. Tell her how you feel. Keeping your thoughts inside hasn’t done you any good, and actually allowed this situation (and your resentment) to grow unchecked.

  9. Therapy for yourself is not a bad idea. You could ask her for marriage counseling but I don’t see her being interested.

    Can you see yourself living like this forever? Do you have, or want, kids?

  10. Have you communicated any of this to your wife? You definitely need to have a talk with her about boundaries and expectations. But you also have to take accountability on your part. You have allowed this behavior to happen.

    You should seek professional help with couples therapy or marriage counseling.

  11. So you chose the wrong woman to marry. You were young and naive, and believed that the job of the man in therelationship was to make the woman happy, so you never really expected anything from her beyond some dates at the movies, cuddling in bed, and some sex. She on the other hand, believed that the woman is the top dog in the rleationship, whose needs are to be provided for in all ways so that she can live a free and unfettered life. Now you’re getting to the age where you have enough life experience to see that you get the shit end of the stick when you sign up for a relationship like that.

    You don’t mention kids, which makes it 100x easier to leave.

    You need to take this feeling you have, of being shafted, to it’s logical conclusion. That being, that you are an important and valuable person. Getting your need fulfilled is very important, even more important than those of a woman you’ve only known for a fraction of your life. And that nobody in the world will ever have a more vested interest in taking care of your needs than you. So don’t expect a woman to do it, and don;t feel guilty about putting your own needs first. And make sure that if you do decide you want to pursue an LTR with someone, that you hold them to high standards because you’ve learned that the downside of choosing poorly and settling, or just sort of falling into it without really knowing why, is huge.

  12. Get out now, why the hell would you even marry such a person?

  13. You should be direct and firm. Ask her what she thinks you bring to the table in this relationship. Make a list. Then ask her what she brings to the table. If those lists don’t match up evenly, then tell her so, and make arrangements to move on with your life.

    Pulling a leech off leaves a wound, but leaving it there bleeds you dry.

  14. Sir, from you description, the reason you feel that way (just my wife’s security blanket) is that it IS the truth of your reality. There are so many questions to ask but I’ll cut to the chase. The real question that must be answered is this, “Why are you settling for this reality?” The answer to this question will help you resolve your conundrum. Don’t hide behind, “Because I love her,” anymore. Stop living in semi-marital purgatory. Get yourself in therapy and let them help you find the answer. From personal experience, I am suspicious of enmeshment/codependency issues but don’t want to project.

    When you figure out the answer to that question, I think your way forward will be more clear. You will then have to find the inner strength and resolve to act on your new found truth.

    You are 32, you have many years ahead of you. Life is too precious a thing to live as you’ve described for years or decades more.

    Good luck.

    ~ PP45

  15. Any chance she could be cheating? What is this hobby? Something social? Maybe she met someone through it. You don’t mention kids so thats great. Will make it easier to leave if that’s what you decide to do. Check out r/deadbedrooms. Also I suggest the books The Dead Bedroom Fix by DSO and The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi

  16. You don’t mention kids at all, so that’s a positive.

    You need to tell her how you feel and go to marriage counseling ASAP. If she doesn’t want to go, then explain you are miserable and isssue an ultimatum.

    Curious, how did the financial situation end up with such a massive imbalance?

  17. Pull the rug from under her. leave her. Hopefully you have a pre nup or a fair state.

  18. Yeah my ex used to say the same about me. That I worked too long and didn’t want to come to he or the kids. That he felt like he was just a paycheck . Problem was he was the one who clocked out on me long before that. Couldn’t get him to do date night, family movie night or even celebrate our anniversary together past token gestures. He never cleaned anything called watching our kids babysitting and spent my income as fast as his own went to the bills. Finally he began an affair with a coworker and just wanted out blaming me for so many things. Funny thing perspective.. just cause you think you see things one way doesn’t mean she does as well. Have that talk without the accusations

  19. Sit her down and talk to her. Explain in full detail every issue you’re having with her. Compromise and come to some conclusions and agreements. Then take note if things change after a 3-6 month period on any issue you’ve had. If the same thing is reoccurring, you can explain again or just leave. Atleast you can leave knowing you’ve expressed yourself and things did not grow from the situation. I understand love is sacrificing but she needs to learn to sacrifice as well to accommodate on some of your NEEDS.

    Sometimes ppl get caught up and don’t realize how they’re damaging others, so please give her a shot to change. Atleast by her next actions you’ll see where she stands with you.

  20. I would suggest reading the book “conscious loving” with your partner.