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How to move on from the fact that my gf cheated on me?

We’re both 18. And have been in a relationship for 3 years. I recently found out she was cheating on me since 6 months.

I don’t even know what to say now. I’m just done with this shit.

When i was dating her, my friends told me casual dating is better than relationships. But i knew what’s good for me. Sex for me is only a part of a relationship. I wanted a companion. Someone who i can spend my time with. Emotionally , sexually and physically. Plus i knew that most folks who enter casual sex eventually seek emotional closeness (some do right off the bat) so i felt no reason to believe in what my friends said. I met this girl, we had a lot of fun. We never hid anything from each other.

Communicated transparently and properly, both of us were sexually satisfied too. Both of us agreed for a monogamous relationship. We didn’t have a single fight ever (minor disagreements did occur, which we corrected together). I was always there for her emotional needs. Never has she said she isn’t satisfied about our relationship. Then…i found out she has an affair with some dude since last few months. I asked her about it and she said ‘idk, it just happened and i still felt happy to be with you too’. She doesnt even have a strong reason to have cheated.

I raised this issue more and now her friends came to advise me

1. Humans aren’t designed to be monogamous (oh fuck off maybe i am an alien then, fine)
2. Affairs happen naturally, just forgive her, break up or continue.
3. You don’t own her so she can do what she wants (okay but we agreed for a monogamous relationship???)
4. Past is past. Forgive her. (Bruh i dont care about a girl’s past, past is indeed past. But wtf am i supposed to do when she’s spending her ‘present’ with someone else too? I should be happy she’s sharing some of that with me -_- ?)
5. Statistics say people who engage in extramarital relationships are happier staying married, why dont you try that right now? (Sigh….)
6. Lot of people survive affairs and continue their relationships (why do i have to deal with this man :/ only thing i wanted was loyalty, it’s not like i demanded her to be perfect in everything and i never asked for that)
7. Just break up with her

I feel like shit now. It seems like affairs and cheating are inevitable even among couples in a mature stable healthy exclusively monogamous relationship at one point (stats say that, means us being youngsters means nothing). I don’t want to hookup and neither can i expect loyalty in relationships :(It’s like we have to keep ‘adjusting and forgiving’ forever. What should i do now? My trust level has gone so low that i can’t imagine being in one relationship again. What would i do if my future partner also cheats like this? There wasn’t even a textbook symptom in our case (and countless others) which led to cheating.

(In future if this happens) Should i cheat back on her? Seems like a justifiable thing. I may very well have sex with each one of her foes as revenge.

Should i never give my 100% in any relationship and always believe she’d cheat and be prepared for it, without making it explicit? I think this is just the ‘way of life’ to accept that cheating happens all the time.

There’s nothing else i can think of…What’s even the point in committing when you are bound to be emotionally destroyed one day. Heck casual sex is even more shit and feels empty.

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28 Yorumları

  1. Break up with her and move on. Yes there are lots of relationship models out there that include dating and sleeping with other people, but she decided to be in a non monogamous relationship without your consent. People who enter into non monogamous relationships tend to have ground rules, boundaries, and honesty involved. It’s something you enter into together, not non-consensually and certainly not under duress. Her and her friends are trying to justify her treating you poorly. It’s time to move on.

  2. Cheating is not inevitable. Plenty of people are able to be monogamous without cheating. Your hopefully soon-to-be ex and her friends sound as though they lack integrity.

    Maybe SHE isn’t meant to be monogamous but she chose to lie and cheat on you which is deplorable and speaks poorly of her character for not going to you and saying that. Break up with her and move on. Block her and her idiot friends too

  3. The people pushing you to forgive her care more about her convenience than your wellbeing.

  4. dump her! you are way to young to settle for someone SO shitty and selfish.

  5. 1. is utter bullshit. There are evolutionary, social and biological arguments for both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. She cheated and made herself believe that’s a normal thing to do while it clearly isn’t. She will do it again because her friends share the same narrow-minded worldview so there’s no way to save this relationship.

    Only 7. sounds reasonable to me. Most other points are hilarious. As if a loving long term marriage is comparable to your situation.

  6. I’ma quote you
    ” I don’t even know what to say now. I’m just done with this shit.”
    Commit to that decision forgive her but leave
    And for the future it sounds like you know what you looking for, look at the things you said sounds like you know what you about and are looking for go find it. don’t be grass or leaves on the ground swaying In the wind be a tree that only an out right axe can cut you down she might do something that will change that feeling but why she ain’t do it already yeah we all learning but if you know then don’t turn a blind eye so first ask her what she gonna do about it if she don’t say or do what you looking then you know where she at

  7. i’m sorry you just got caught with the wrong people 🙁 she’s terrible for trying to justify it and so are her friends. yes some people are happier not being monogamous but YOU are. y’all aren’t compatible but she’s awful for trying to make it okay when she already knew your boundary. leave, but don’t fret too much, there’s still plenty of people who are in your same headspace about loyalty and you’ll find it one day.

  8. Here are the counters for the points that need counters:

    1. More people than not aim for monogamy. Most people despise cheaters and prefer one person.
    2. No, they do not happen naturally. This isn’t like an earthquake that just “happens” no matter what they do; they are intentional. Someone, like your girlfriend, has poor boundaries and selfish motives chooses to perpetuate an affair. She makes a series of decisions and takes steps to engage in the affair, all while lying to and deceiving you. She didn’t slip on a banana peel by mistake.
    3. Yes, she can do whatever the hell she wants. And just like the rest of us who do whatever the hell we want, we experience consequences for our actions. Cheaters tend to lose their romantic partners when they cheat. She broke her agreement for a monogamous relationship and will be treated like such – a liar who can’t keep her word.
    4. You can forgive her, but you don’t have to be with her. As you said, this wasn’t a past action – it’s present. And even if it was a past action, see #3. Some actions have far-reaching consequences. Many a guy will hesitate to date her ass in the future once they realize she is a cheater. Doubly so when they realize her friends enable that shitty behavior.
    5. I’d love to see those statistics, as most indicate the opposite is true.
    6. No, they don’t. Most people do not survive affairs. That is one of the top three relationship killers, and for good reason.
    7. I agree with this one – dump her ass already.

  9. If you think affairs and cheating are inevitable, you have been on Reddit too long. Take a break.

  10. This looks like a classic case of “I don’t respect you”. Sigh where to start…girls won’t do this if they feel insecure in a relationship or if they aren’t reminded of why she was attracted to you in the first place. Sadly other women being interested in you or seeing you be good with other girls often does it and if you got to attached you might of avoided interacting with chill/cute girls outside your relationship.

    Also where are your friends this is a simple let’s get fucked go clubbing and rebound. Think about this later/ forget about it

    Just disconnect find all those things more important than a gf and grind/get wasted with buddies

  11. Dude – look being monogomous at 18 is probably not the norm. In time you figure out what type of adult person you want to be and your modify your habits/behavior accordingly but that usually happens in your 20s. Your GF was obviously not as invested in your relationship as you were. What is her attitude now ? She is genuinely sorry ? She is demonstrating this through changing herself ? This is your call but know that the only way to *completely* get over this is to move on from her. Part of you will never completely trust her.

  12. Point #7 is the best one of them all and makes the most sense. Everything else can go in the garbage, including the relationship. It’s not worth the amount of time you put into the relationship.

  13. don’t bother cheating back, it will start a cycle of abuse that is hard to end especially if you guys aren’t on good terms,

    just leave and work on yourself for awhile until the right person comes along

  14. You are a man. Make her your ex and stop posting this crap on Reddit. This is tough love bro, but get on with your life.

  15. Break up with her. BUT PLEASE DONT SEEK REVENGE. I know it seems tempting to justify things but in the end you’ll only be hurting yourself.

    I had a similar situation happen to one of my close friends. (She’s 18, he’s 19) She was in a constant on and off relationship because she found out that same guy was cheating on her. They broke up once because he cheated on her, she forgave him and it happened again. And again. And again. All he had in his mind was sex. That’s all he wanted her for. She was really depressed and was sent to the mental hospital after attempting to take her own life. She got back together with him and cheated on him while he went off to college. She was never satisfied with how she got revenge. She actually really hated it because she knew it wasn’t the kind of person she was. Their whole relation started of well but in the end it was all toxic.

    And I assume this is the same thing. Don’t let your hatred or anger let you become a different person. You’re a kind individual who just needs to have the RIGHT person by their side. It will be a very difficult thing to identify who’s best fit for you but it will happen.

    And leave those friends too. They clearly are friends with her so they’ll be biased on the advice they give you. They need to understand how bad of a relationship this is. I know I would be really upset if it happened to me.

    Whatever you decide to do (which I hope is break up with her), I hope you do it in hopes of becoming a better person. Not something out of anger or revenge 🙂

  16. You asked how can you move on. Separately. Be the good ine that got away due to her selfishness and no matter what don’t go back.

  17. No wonder she cheated with such disgusting friends poisoning her ears. Listen man 1-6 are dumb excuses cheaters use to justify their bullshit, don’t let it go to your head. Make this girl your EX. Never treat cheating as something natural. Let me tell you there a lot of women out there who WOULDN’T cheat. This girl wasn’t the one.

  18. Sounds like those friends are idiots. As for you, dump your idiot gf and move on. You’re looking for a connection and loyalty. Why be with someone who can’t be loyal.

    I bet those friends encouraged her to cheat too with their bs.

  19. She was ready for someone new. You don’t do it for reasons. You do it because you want it. What you wanted, she could not give, at this time in her life. When she is ready, it will be with someone new, a clean slate. Your depending on your relationship too much. You need to date casually. Time to believe them now.

  20. The truth is, a lot of people in life will disappoint you. No one is immune from this, but we all handle it differently. You’re only 18 and don’t have the emotional maturity or capacity to understand why “cheating back” or “sleeping with all her foes” will not fix things or make you feel better, and that’s ok. As you experience life, you’ll grow and develop boundaries and meet many more people who will shape who you become, and this will happen your entire life. You’ll learn that love isn’t enough, and you’ll learn that attraction and desire doesn’t necessarily equal compatibility.

    Also, dating casually doesn’t have to be so negative, and it doesn’t have to be just sex. It’s better to date casually and learn your needs (emotional, not only physical) before jumping into a relationship. Like you said, casual often turns more serious.  Being more fluid in how you approach relationships will help you grow.

  21. You will know a girl who loves you and respects you, and wants the same as you. Make this girl ur ex, will hurt but think about how she wasn’t that good and also a cheater

  22. You cannot be sure it will never happen again in the future unless you never enter another relationship. There are good and bad things in every relationship. There are no gaurantees. That’s where trust comes in. You and she were 15 when you got together. Both were children. She agreed to monogamy but didn’t follow through. She doesn’t understand what commitment means. Maybe she will one day, but this isn’t that day. Life is full of changing scenes. People change jobs, hobbies, addresses, and sometimes partners. It can be painful. Avoiding involvement isn’t the answer. You will heal from this and be a wiser man. Don’t go into any relationship with your eyes wide shut. Remember the good times you had, let go of the pain, learn the lessons this taught you, and learn to love again. There’s a song lyric there, just waiting to be born!

  23. The key to most (not all) relationships is communication and honesty. If you guys are already spoken monogamy and she violated that trust, then she is a dishonest person and likely incompatible with you. Your friends being in the middle of what works for you to justify her behavior is sad and childish. You already know what you need, you already communicated that with her, now I see you already know what you need to do.

  24. Man that really sucks. You’re both so young though. You’ve been together since you were 15! People change so fast in that span of time. IMO you should just break up and move on with your life. It will be hard, but you’ll learn from it, and it’ll be worth it.
    Maybe do a few sessions of therapy just to deal with the other issues popping up because of this ordeal (like the trust issues.)

  25. > Should i cheat back on her?

    You won’t solve anything with this.

  26. You make her your EX-gf, and stop hanging around the fucktards trying to convince you to stay with her.

    Some people like to fuck around, and some people like exclusive monogamy. Both are fine, you just gotta find someone compatible with you. Your EX-gf is NOT compatible with you.

    If you don’t like casual sex, then don’t have casual sex. There are girls out there that don’t want casual sex either, and DO want exactly what you’re offering. A committed, monogamous relationship.

  27. First off, I want to say that everything you’re feeling right now is very valid and very common for the situation. Now it sounds like you did have an agreement to be monogamous however if she agreed and didn’t voice any of the opinions she has about monogamy vs polygamy during that discussion but that’s her view then she started the relationship with a lie or at least didn’t communicate effectively. Now from everything you described it sounds like she took the “as you wish” approach to your relationship which is basically when she just agrees or holds back to avoid serious arguments. Cheating is also an avoidant behavior and typically stems from having a problem in the relationship that is being avoided so the person who cheats will often panic and cheat to get the other person to end the relationship for them. Regardless of which scenario it is it doesn’t seem like she has respect for you because she casually broke your trust. Without respect it would be extremely difficult to repair the relationship. Its up to you what you want to do but if you do choose to eventually break up it’s important to remember that her cheating has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You can find someone who wants a monogamous relationship and cheating back is never the answer especially because she probably wouldn’t even care.