Hi guys, remember me, Heather? Yeah, 24, 5’8”, string bean, more than one of you said you wish I had bigger tits and that I have the body of a fifteen year old. Boy. Thanks for telling me I look like a boring, basic chick from a corny Abercrombie advert.
Joseph (21?) thanks for teaching me about Passover. Loved your cock. Hated your mom. Your sister is a bitch. Fuck her. Not literally. Thanks for not calling me a psycho when I stole your Ramones shirt. I cropped it and I’m wearing it now and lying to girls that we’re still going out.
Park (20) yeah so you’re way too young for me and your parents don’t like you dating a girl who isn’t Korean. I would have made an awesome wife, by which I mean I would have been grateful to spend your family’s money. Your oral is on point. Your future must-be-Korean-and-not-a-feminist wife will love it. Thanks for being a dear and not letting waiters know you’re underage and I was basically getting your drunk on your dime. I stole your jeans, skinny ass.
Kendal (30) I wish you told me you had a wife, so that some strange woman wouldn’t be waiting outside my work to kick my ass. She has a killer right cross. Ouch. Your accounting job seems boring and you’re better than it. Be a painter like you wanted. Thanks for giving me the wool cardigan.
Conrad (23) You have the coolest name and coolest dick. I came before you even were all the way in. I would have married you in a second if you weren’t such a coked out train wreck. I’m sorry I made fun of you being a dumb blond. Takes one to know one. I still have your flannel, you meth head.
Antoine (28) You’re the only White guy I ever met named Antoine. Your penis is normal. Lot of men have a curve. You look weird in a condom, that’s all I’ll say. I think you should talk more. You’re cute and funny when you’re you, not when you’re trying to be what you think the girl wants you to be. You were right to call me out on being a trust fundy spoiled pathetic Harley Quinn knock off. It hurt, but facts. Thanks for the taboggan beanie.
Felton (22) you are a nymphomaniac. After round four I’m dry, so kudos, young man. Kudos. I stole your Hanes t shirt, asshole. Also your beard hurt when you go down on me. Stubble rubbing on clit—not a good feeling.
Lee (25) you need to stop spending money on girls to impress them. You work at Chipotle and there’s no shame in that. Work is work and you’re honest. You don’t need to flex and buy me things to get in my pants. You got there because you’re funny and cute and can quote Trainspotting. And also because I’m kind of promiscuous, but yeah. Thanks for the hug outside on the patio of you know where, and the stranger things hoodie.
Jenny (21) I’m not a lesbian but I was gay for play with you. Thanks for the really mind blowing orgasm and the MeUndies thong I’m wearing it now.
And to all the others, I’m sorry I’m such a crazy bitch. I fuck up my own life because I can’t see how awesome all of you are and I’m too into myself and my own shit to see the beauty in front of me unless it’s my reflection. I missed out a lot and I hope all of you are in a better place. Sorry to some of you for making you fall in love. Sorry to some of you for making me love you and you not loving me back. My fault.
I’ll do better in 2022.