Linguini? Fuck off, absolute poser.
Spaghetti? It has potential. But you better let that shit clump together and eat it like a fucking chocolate bar otherwise guess what? You’re a fucking poser!
Penne? No fucking qualms there, I fucks with it.
Elbow macaroni? What are you, a fucking Aquabats fan? Fuck you.
Ziti? Hey, elbow mac eating Aquabats fan, look at this! It’s someone who actually hit puberty! Yeah, I fuck with this one.
Tinned ravioli? No complaints here, that shit gets you through some tough shit.
Gnocchi? Shut the fuck up! Like that even belongs here, you worthless, attention-seeking little cuntrag!
Fusilli? Okay, now we’re getting somewhere!
Lasagne? One step above gnocchi. Fuck you, get out of my house.
Tagliatelle? Fuck off, you flat pasta loving yuppie!
Farfalle? Just call them bowties, you pretentious fuck! You probably listen to Tool, don’t you? Probably think you’re a fucking mathematical genius just because you listen to songs with weird fucking time signatures named after a fucking Math Blaster level! You sicken me!
Tortellini? A fan of posh ravioli, eh? You think you’re better than me, do you? In your fucking pre-faded Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt, eating your fucking tortellini like a fucking wall street banker! Why don’t you fuck off and call the police on a homeless person like I know you’ve been wanting to do this whole time, eh?
Penne Tricolore? Penne in 3 fucking colours, mate? Bang on! Right the fuck on, top points! You can’t be fucked with, right now! I’m on board with it, you are a fkin boss at pasta!
Cannelloni? What is that, enchiladas made using lasagne sheets or some shit like that? I’m on board with it, but that’s some other shit you’re trying. I do fuck with it, though.
Shells? They’re fine. No strong opinion tbh.