“Aliens are invading, what should we do??” said Nick Fury in a cool badass way.
“I got two really cool-looking shock batons.” replied Natasha/Black Widow.
“O-o-ok, but they have an armada. Like with laser beams capable of dusting planets. Don’t just run at them with sticks”
“I swing these batons very quickly, and also have a gun. I AM A STRONG WOMAN. Did you not remember that scene from Endgame where all the ladies stood by peter parker and said he isn’t al-”
“Yes, we all remember that. And canonically speaking, you should be the only one not to but, whatever.”
“Maybe I will get a few scars, but I already don’t look good in bikinis” she winked at the obligatory previous movie callback.
“B-black widow, we all respect you as a strong heroic feminist icon that was part of the KGB Fembot experiments, but now you are a good guy. I don’t think either of those things will help.”
“Hop on ship, stun baton the pilot, shoot everyone else off screen so the rating stays PG-13.”
“These aliens, they aren’t like the ones Thanos sends, or Ronan the Snoozer. They, are like Enders Game level sit. They don’t fuck arou-”
***Black WIdow disregards whatever the chief is saying and is already running towards the enemy ship. She pulls out her dual stun batons and crosses them, totally necessary, before jumping kinda high. Well, really high for a human, but like, its the mcu, so yeah. She starts to climb the legs of the alien space craft until her flesh is melted off her body via their exceptionally advanced atom deconstructing rays.***
The aliens land and go talk to Nick Fury. “Hey, we just want to shop at Trader Joes, we didn’t need to kill that leather wearing lady.”
“You traveled lightyears… to shop at our Trader Joes???” Nick Fury said while putting on his third leather jacket of the day. Long coat edition of course.
“I have you seen inflation lately?? Trader Joes is all we got. Plus those JOE-JOE’S are to die for,” said the aliens as they flew off to the local Trader Joes.
Nick Fury bowed his head. JOE-JOE’S were better than oreoes, and at a great price. How could he disagree? Romanoff died for a worthy cause. Suddenly Nick Fury’s pager went off, and it wasn’t Captain marvel because whenever aliens come down to earth and there is a potential danger, she somehow at the exact same moment needs to go do something somewhere else, but don’t ask her about specifics because she is basically superman with a **girlboss OST playing when she does shit (I’m Just a Girl is a Banger tho).**
**Two weeks later, Nick Fury would get a knock on his door. It is Belova, and her accent is VERY RUSSIAN AND SASSY. “Wher’ is Natasha, Mr. Fuhreh?”**
Nick scrambled to find his words as he sipped his mourning coffee, it was some real gourmet ship. He knew aliens that didn’t abide by plot convenience, and literally will come to Earth just to buy Trader Joes cookies would crush the Avengers easily. He couldn’t do that to Natasha’s only adopted sister (no your Scarlet witch/black widow fanfic doesn’t count).
“Uuuuhhh, ummmm, Clint killed her?” He said raising his good eyebrow.
“Dah’ ladee’ from seinfeld said the same, but it isn’t true.”
“Oh, we are that far into phase 4 huh, hmmmm…. uh, well, uh…. Ant-Man did it. Yeah, him.”
“Ants are the natural enemies of spiders,” Nick said with no confidence at all.
**”Da, duesn’t sound right, but ok, I will take my misguidedge revenge out on the man of ants,” as Belova ran off thinking to herself ‘oh boy, here i go killing again,’ Nick called out “WAIT! TAKE THESE**!”
He tossed her the dual wielding shock batons, which Bolinda caught. She nodded with confidence “I will torture the man of ants with these… for my sister,” she said as she jumped straight up and just disappeared. . Why are normal humans able to do this in in the mcu??
**Nick Fury sipped his gourmet shit coffee knowing those batons were actually pool-cues just painted black. He just didn’t really give a shit anymore. Why not have the russian lady fight ant-man with pool-cues, it’s the fucking MCU, they will say some quirky one liners and become bestfriends in no time.**
**Godspeed Black Widow Diet, Godspeed.**
**”Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, it’s obligatory I do this shit…. sigh…. mother fu-“**
**Cuts to credits.**