Me here, sitting at the computer a 23 year old boy- I mean, now man – is about to recount perhaps the most anticlimactic sexual encounter in the history of mankind.
You hoped your first sexual experience would parallel the time you invited jerking off. That first time. That first time you came so hard your eyes rolled to the back of your head and the air sucked out of you and your abs and thighs clenched so hard they cramped. Remember? Nothing is as powerful as a twelve year olds orgasm. That liminal event that started the life long obsession with sex. The path you start down that hopefully lead to the oh-so precious pink taco. All in the hopes of trying to cum as hard as when you did when you were twelve.
At this point in my life, there’s only so much time you can spend obsessing over something before you finally do something about it. Just to get it over with. To this day, I never realised you could underestimate the phrase “to get it over with”. It was 1:30 when I finally said “Fuck it”. This is AM, mind you. I decide to pay the troll toll to skip to the end of that liminal path. I find a nice young Japanese lady. Great. She’ll do fine. I rock up at the place, make my way up to her room. I knock on the door. It opens.
And what stands before me is an Asian women that does NOT look like her photos. Eh. She’s cute enough. Fuck it. I wire her the money. She makes way to her bed room and we start getting undressed. We kiss a little and then she has me lie on her bed. Both of us naked, she starts to grind on me trying to get me erect. She does this in vein. I try telling myself that I’m just that super cool dude that doesn’t get overly stimulated so that means I last my hour paid for.
*Jim looks at the camera.*
I get a little bit of blood flow down there. Just enough so that she can try and roll a condom down onto my barely-semi prick. She starts to filate me like she’s sucking a frozen piece of poo. An aside: I’ve had shits bigger than what’s in her mouth right now. She toungs my half-flaccid willy to the side of her cheek and asks if I had been drinking. I’m stone cold sober. So obviously I say “yes”. At least that permits me some grace as to why I’m not Johnny Rocket.
I get more blood pumping. Just enough for her to get on top of me and penetrate. **And she fucking cums so hard**\- yeah right. In your dreams, eunuch. Ta-da! I’m now a man! But there’s no party and you feel nothing and all your left thinking is “Is that it?”. She rides for a hot second before I think I’m man enough to put her on her back and power-fuck back to the stone-ages.
I’m just kind of on my knees thrusting. Somehow pulling a thigh muscle and cursing at God as to why he had to put the hole so fucking low. I go soft again. Fuck. She tries to blow me again but I just call it quits. The turtle crawls back into its shell. *Do not cum, do not pass Go* and *do not collect $200*. I say thanks and sorry and to keep the money. It barely lasted 15 minutes. It was the anti-twelve-year-old orgasm. On the bright side, that may have been the easiest $350 dollars that women has ever made.
As a virgin, for some reason, you think there will be some massive paradime shift in your being. Like you’ll be a different person. Nope. Nothing is different. You’re the same. Now you just have a semi-sad story.
I thought I would feel ashamed or humiliated or dejected. Weirdly enough, no. I almost think I paid for sex just to demystify it. To resolve my curiosity of it. Sex really got overhyped.
My review on sex: on the hole, it’s Ehh…
(Taken from r/offmychest)