i have a confession

When I was about 13, I went fishing with my dad. I caught a fish, and I was really happy about it. I just felt like I had a connection with the fish it just felt very nice in my hands. It felt like it was chosen for me and so when my dad told me to throw that fish back in the water, but I couldn’t do it, so I threw a rock in the water and pretended it was the fish and I shoved the fish down my trouser. The fish was not bigger than my dick when it’s hard, but it was in there and the fish got warm as we were going home, and I just remember I was getting a boner as I was going home, and my dad was speaking to me and I tried to shift the focus away from the warm fish because I could feel the fish kinda like shaking and dying on my dick. It was kinda giving me a uhm, not a blowjob but it just felt like it was, you know it was having its last moments on my dick and it felt really special to me even though it was weird. And I remember getting home, quickly going to my room and I lied down and got naked. I remember taking my zip down and I saw the fish covered in cum. That one moment just felt amazing to me. And it was still kinda shaking like its nerves were going off, and it just felt so good. And I remember I didn’t want to let that fish go, I couldn’t let it go, because I felt like I was responsible for the fish and so I cleaned up all the cum and I cleaned up myself and I kept it in a freezer in my room. Whenever I would get horny and stuff, I’d use the fish to masturbate, and I would cum all over it again and again and again until the fish was smelling up the house and my dad knew something was going on with me. He could tell from the smell that something was in my mini-fridge, and he found the fish. I remember making up excuses, telling him “It’s not my fish, my friend gave it to me as a prank”. My dad was looking at me with disgust and I had to get rid of the fish which was obviously sad. And it affects me because I can’t speak to my dad without thinking about the fish. What’s even worse is that I can’t jack off without thinking about the fish. Porn doesn’t do it for me anymore. There’s no fish related stuff, no nothing. I don’t like fish as a food that much. I prefer medium-rare steak. Whenever I jack off I kinda feel the fish. I’ll never forget the feeling of it dying on my dick while I cummed on it.