Does Anyone Else Have an Irrational Hatred for Deer?
I love animals, but there’s something about deer that just make me want to beat the ever-loving shit out of them. When you look them in the eye, you can tell absolutely nothing is going on upstairs. They’re so fucking stupid, but for some reason that’s not the reason they make me irrationally homicidal. Goldfish are fucking stupid, but I think they’re adorable (I cried when my black moor Richard got stuck in a tank decoration and died). One time, an older lady I know was talking about a house she and her husband had when they lived in Virginia. They lived in a secluded wooded area, so the deer would often come to their backyard and eat the corn they set out. She got all teary-eyed reminiscing on how close the deer got to the house and how cute and pretty and majestic and blah blah blah blah… All I could think in the meantime was, “I would’ve pumped those fuckers full of lead the second they set a hoof on my turf”.
Seeing all the dumbfuck deer on this sub just makes my hatred grow. It almost feels *intentional* how they wait until *just* the right moment before they jump out onto a 20+ foot road in the middle of the night. It’s the middle of the fucking night. There are no other cars coming by. They had hours to cross the fucking road in complete peace and safety. But no, they choose to cross the road *right* as there’s a bright, 3-ton object thundering down the road at 70 MPH, and their timing is *so precise* that they manage to get in the way without giving the driver any forewarning. Like holy shit, unless deer are naturally suicidal and actually *are* doing this on purpose, it’s a whole ‘nother level of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging stupidity to defy such low odds (getting hit by a car in the middle of the night) so often there has to be bright yellow traffic signs with your species plastered across it.
Why do they stand still when they think they’re in trouble? Why do they freeze when they see a car barreling toward them at breakneck speeds? Well, I’ve heard some people explain it as, “hurp dee dur, duh deer freeze cuz they can blend in with de woods if dere’s a predator nearby!” Well damn, Zookeeper Ellen, that makes deer even more stupid. Standing in place to hide is on the same level of stupidity as that corny porno where that guy hides by sticking a lampshade on his head and pretending he’s a lamp.
Oh, and don’t get me started on overpopulation. These fuckers are such a plague on the wilderness that the survival of their species *literally* depends on their own kind getting killed. How stupid do you have to be when *the creatures hunting your kind* are able to act more in your own interest than your own stupid self? Jesus Christ, the next time I see a deer, I’m getting out of my car and suckerpunching it with the biggest roundhouse I can muster. I want to do it so badly. I want to punch one and watch it look at me in shock with those empty, beady eyes. Then I’ll punch it again. Fucking idiots. And if the buck comes around, I’ll punch him too. Thinks he’s so tough with his dumbass antlers. Idiots can’t even keep them on for a full year. Bet I’ll just knock ’em off, and I’d actually be doing the dumbfuck a favor since they’d just get caught on something out there otherwise.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. Sorry to cut this post short, but I’ve got therapy in the morning.