Excuse my for grammar mistakes as English is my 2nd language.
This story started 47 years ago when I (M72) and my Wife (F71) were expecting our 1st child. We expected him to do great things like cure cancer, invent flying cars, become the prime minister, and exterminate all Scorpio’s among other things. However, when we went to the doctor we were told that he was a loser who would smell like pork. After hearing that, my wife and I decided to not show up to his birth. But sadly no one would want that pathetic piece of crap so I had to make the chose to either keep him, or feed him to the ocelots. So I fed him to the ocelots but sadly they raised him instead of eating him.
I expected him to die of starvation soon, but that idiot managed to get a job at a carnival being the ball that everyone threw to dump someone into water. Not going to lie, it was pretty fun wasting my money to tear up that might as well be a Scorpio’s spinal cord up. Sometimes I accidentally threw him onto concrete but that’s besides the point. I would sometimes watch him at an appropriate distance and laugh at him celebrating his birthday by himself with a balloon. Like seriously, what a loser.
Later that year however, my garden gnome got repossessed after I was in a financial hole. So I had to call upon the German equivalent of Morgz to be my gnome. It felt horrible having him around the house, but I made sure that he wasn’t fed and didn’t move a muscle. I still needed to give him a name though, so I settled on Hienz, because it’s a brand of ketchup and ketchup used to be made from fish guts so I thought it suited him well. And I was able to replace the need for a son in my heart with a dog, who I named Only son.
So basically, Only son is the dog version of a Chad as he won a bunch of competitions, and I got a bunch of money because of my only son. I could’ve replaced Hienz with an actual garden gnome, but I only did when he was too old and too ugly to be a gnome.
After Only son showed how could children could actually be, my wife and I tried for another kid and we had one. We assumed it was going to be a daughter so my wife made a bunch of clothes. However, it was a boy so we just generously gave Hienz some clothes for the 1st time since he was born. And he was too old to be a garden gnome. But onto are son, Roger, he was amazing. He was the absolute legend at kickball and was a Chad. My wife and I deserved to have 2 sons that are actually good so we were happy for ourselves.
Long story short Hienz was a complete failure like usual, he failed jungle gym, was rightfully bullied, and never won anything (HE LOST TO A BAKING SODA VOLCANO LMAOOO) my wife and I were able to convince him to move to America. The last I heard of him he got divorced (I was surprised he even got a wife) and he tries to be an evil genius or something but he gets destroyed to a platypus who wears a fedora. A FREAKING PLATYPUS. However, the last thing he told me was that I’m an AH.
In my small town news travels quick. Some say that I’m an AH for not drop kicking him into oblivion as he ruined the Doofenshmirtz name. The weird guy Kenny says I was too harsh on him. Most say I was justified. So Reddit AITA?